All At Once

Ch. 29: Confusion, Love, and Pain (the usual)

Harry's POV

I sat there at our table and waited until I finally heard the door creak open. I turned my head slowly and swallowed hard. She was gorgeous. Absolutely fucking gorgeous. 

She walked in and she looked better than ever. Her hair was darker and it swooshed to each side when she walked. Her face was glowing, her cheeks red and flustered. Then she looked at me, I mean really looked at me with her beautiful blue eyes and I did what I didn't know was possible, I started hating myself more than I already did.

Annie's POV

 "Hi." he said. His lips were bright red and pouty like he'd been chewing on them. His voice was coarse, more rough than usual and his eyes were slightly red, from lack of sleep I assumed. His hair was messy, toussled, not much longer than it had been the last time I saw him, a year ago. Looking at him made every single feeling I ever had for him rush back like a tidal wave. The good feelings, and the bad. I felt like I had been literally hit in the chest, I could feel my heart beating in my veins. 

Despite how many times I tried to ignore my feelings for this man, depsite how much I tried making myself hate him, I couldn't shake the feeling that we had unfinished business. 

By this time I realized I hadn't replied to him he was just waiting, watching me. I began to feel self concious, my hands started to shake. 

Harry put his hands on mine to steady them and I felt my whole body relax, surprisingly. When I saw his hands move toward mine I expected the opposite effect. I thought I'd tense up, feel repulsed after everything, the next time he touched me. 

But I had always felt safe with Harry before, I guess even not knowing it, I still did feel that way. 

"You look good." Harry smiled. I sighed and said, "Thank you."

He released my hands and looked down at his lap. 

"I don't even know where to start." 

I sat back in my chair. "From the beginning." I said. 

He hesitated, then began, "First of all, when I said 'you look good', I lied. I was trying to break the ice. What I really wanted to say was that you look radiant. I didn't know it was even possible for you to get any more beautiful." he said, his voice cracking at the end. 

I looked down at my lap this time and he continued. 

"Annabel, I have been thinking for this past week of words to say to make this all better and then I realized that there are no words to make what I did better. It was so stupid of me. When I left, I thought I was doing the right thing, I really did. But it was so lonely, Annie. I thought about you every single day. I checked up on you though, believe it or not. I watched every commercial you were in at least six hundred times. I called friends here in L.A. asking if they heard anything about you."

"Why didn't you just call me?" I asked.

"After the tour ended six months ago, I had realized what a terrible thing I had done letting you go. Figured you probably hated me-"

"I told you I would wait for you and I did." I cut him off. 

"I know, I'm so sorry. I know 'sorry' doesn't even begin to cut it but I sincerely hope it's a start."

I stared into his blue eyes and his bottom lip slightly quivered.

"When the tour ended, I planned on calling you. But by that time I was throwing myself a huge pity party for what I had already done. So two months later, four months ago, I called around first to make sure I wouldn't be disrupting your life. I saw you were still acting, you moved, it seemed like you were building a new life and I figured it was because you wanted a fresh start, without me."

"I called you four months ago. Did you know that? I was drunk and I called you but it had been disconnected. I thought you changed it because you didn't love me anymore but were too afraid to say it." I said, feeling myself get emotional. "Not now Annie, stay strong" I told myself.

"Annie...no no no, Annie, absolutely not. I had to change my number because a fan got ahold of it and it spread like wildfire." he paused, "You thought I didn't love you anymore?" 

I opened my mouth to speak and knew that if I said what I wanted to say that I would start crying but it had to be said, so I did anyways. 

"You left me when I needed you most. And then never came back. I waited for you. I fucking waited."

He opened his mouth but I put my hand up to signal not to speak and the tears were rolling down my cheeks. 

"You don't even know how hard it was going through that. When the tour ended, and you never called, I was heartbroken. Waiting by the phone 24/7, I was humiliated. Months later, seeing you on magazines, all over TV. You looked happy. Without me." I took a deep breath. 

"You don't understand the pain you've put me through Harry." I couldn't meet his eyes anymore. His soft blue eyes starred at me the way they used to, it brought back so many memories that it felt haunting. Was this the same Harry I knew a year ago?

I heard Harry moving his chair and then I felt his hands on mine again, they were a little sweaty. He pulled my hands away from my face and he just held them in his.

"Look at me." he said.

As I looked up, he said, "Annabel Peters, I need you to know this, look at me."

I sniffled and looked back up.

"I have, since the day I met you in the hallway when you ran into me, loved you. I loved you through out our relationship, I loved you when I was away, I loved you when I was on tour. I've loved you for the last 6 months, I still love you right now at this very moment. And I don't think that will ever go away. When I think about what I did to you I get this intense pain in my chest...I can't live with myself sometimes. I am so so sorry. I won't ask you to forgive me but...I need to be a part of your life. I tried not talking to you because I thought you'd be happier without me, it didn't work. Just say you'll think about it. Please." 

 I shook my head. "I dont-I just...I don't know Harry. Maybe. I have a lot going on right now. Everything's changed...Maybe." 

He kissed my hands softly and I flinched, even though what I really wanted was to grab his face and kiss his pouty lips. It must have been habit.

This was all so confusing.

Harry's POV

I noticed she started breathing normally again and I sat up straight.

"Are you hungry?" I asked her.

"Yes." She breathed.

The conversation got lighter and we had some soup and salad for lunch. I told her about the funny things people would throw on stage and she told me about the ridiculous things she'd been asked to do when filming a commercial.

"Can I give you a ride home?" I asked, feeling better after we had talked and had a normal conversation again.

"I brought my car actually."

"Oh, okay. I'll walk you." I said.

And she let me.

"Well, this is me." She said when we finally got to her car.

"Can I give you a hug?" I smiled awkwardly.

She nodded, "Sure." 

I put my hands on her shoulders and pulled her into a tight hug.

"I'm sorry." I whispered into her hair.

"I know." she whispered back.

And it didn't mean that everything was perfect, or even relatively back to normal, and we both knew that.

But it was a damn good start.