Just Desserts

Chapter 42

Almost.

 

I almost had him.

I almost broke this loop.

Almost got away.

Was almost happy.

It was almost the end.

 ~~~

I was already up, pulling on my jeans as Cas burst into my room, a smile on his face, holding our schedules in his hands. His smile faltered as he watched me pull on my shoes, hands falling a bit.

"Cas? What's up man?" I asked despite already knowing. I had to act as though nothing was different. It freaked my brother out every single time I would freak out about something. My getting up early was odd, but not completely impossible, and I couldn't lie down anymore, waiting for the day to start when I knew I would just go to school and meet Dean, who in some way knew of Cas prior to us showing up, and Sam and his girlfriend.

"Schedules. Our schedules came in," he mumbled, watching as I tugged on a jacket, groaning as my head got stuck. This seemed to shake Cas out of his stupor because just moments later, he was tugging the sweater over my head roughly.

"Thanks. What have I got?" I asked, snatching the paper from his hands, eyes roaming over the schedule. Pre-Calc, Band, U.S. History, Language Arts, JROTC, German, and Physics. Sounds like a whole lot of hell, minus band of course. That was the one class that he was never in, so I didn't have to worry about him during then. I could just sit and chill with Charlie, who could play like 20 instruments, which was amazing.

"Cool, we have band together!" Cas cheered, eyes bright and I blanched. 

"What?!" I practically yelled. I never had that class with anyone, but Charlie. Now Cas was going to be in it.

"You seem upset," he muttered, looking quite upset himself.

"No! Just surprised is all."

"Why?"

"Nothing. Sorry," I trailed off and Cas frowned for a second before shrugging, deciding that it was about time we went to get breakfast.

"Are you okay? You seem... off," Cas mumbled as we headed downstairs.

"Yeah. I'm just tired, and really don't want to go to school today." It wasn't a complete lie. I really didn't want to go to school, and I was tired, just not in the way Cas thought. I was tired of pretending all the time. I was tired of pretending not to know anyone when I stepped into the school, 'meeting' everyone for the first time. I was tired of feigning surprise when Sam introduced me to his girlfriend. I was tired of telling Charlie what was going on and letting her use it for a play, just to see it have a happy ending and everyone clapping, knowing that I won't get mine.

I hate pretending that I'm not already in love with this man who, I had just met, but had really known for what felt like years, across many different lifetimes. I hated pretending that everything was okay when I had my heart shattered every time I saw him, knowing that it wouldn't matter, that I would lose again. I was tired of pretending that every time we almost kissed he would push away, telling me that it wasn't meant to happen, and it never will again.

I was tired of getting my hopes up, only to be trampled on, cut up, destroyed every single time he turned his back on me, never looking back, because it wasn't supposed to happen. 

I was tired of hiding in my room, crying as my heart was shattered, again, and no one knowing because they were off having the time of their lives.

I was just tired of pretending.

Just...

Tired.