Just Desserts

Chapter 46

Gabe

I don't know if it was more comforting or alarming that Sam was talking about finding some guy to be with. Most of the time he was straight and with Jess, but I'm certain I saw Jess kissing Charlie this morning, so Jess is out of the picture. However, there have been times where Sam has been with a guy, but still chose her and vise versa. 

I also wasn't sure that he wasn't joking. Maybe he was and I was just overthinking this, maybe I wasn't and he seemed to be flirting with me. I couldn't figure it out and it didn't help ease the hurt in my heart. 

I half wanted him to be joking. I was getting over him and if he was joking and I knew now, not later, then I would be okay, my heart wouldn't break too much, but if I found out later that he was joking it would kill me. 

But what if he wasn't joking? The possibility would be so much worse because I have fallen for and dated him multiple times, and every time, every single time, he chooses Jess over me. It wasn't fair and I couldn't let myself hope that he was telling the truth right now.

I was shoved from my thoughts when he bumped into me. "You're thinking way to hard man," he muttered, a smile on his face as I flushed in embarrassment. "You're not uncomfortable with me saying that maybe I'll find a man someday right? I mean, I never told you and I hope you aren't disgusted," he started freaking out.

"No!" I shouted, startling both him and myself. "No, I'm not disgusted. Trust me. I... uh... I kinda like guys too, so it's okay," I muttered, suddenly feeling extremely embarrassed. I tried to ignore the smile that lit up his face and the fact that I flushed darker when he hugged me. "Alright, alright," I chuckled, pushing him away from me, trying not to laugh at how ridiculous he looked.

"Sorry. I'm just not used to people being accepting of anything. I've been hurt too many times already for it, even when I tried to be straight." He was looking at Charlie and I furrowed my brow in confusion.

He had a thing for Charlie? That didn't make sense. She was always out there about everything, Sam would have known... so what could he be upset about?

"Jess?" I asked quietly, more to myself than him.

"Yeah. I had a thing for her and we started going out. I thought it was going very well, but... as it turns out, she didn't like me all that much, found she was much more into girls, kinda hurt a lot because she was the one girl I could love freely."

I tried to ignore the flutter in my stomach from the revelation, closing my eyes and breathing deeply. "I'm so sorry," I whispered, making it seem like I was closing my eyes out of sadness or sympathy, rather than to beat down any flutter of hope that I felt at the revelations that came from this class today.

"It's not your fault. You couldn't have done anything. So there's no reason to apologize."

"Maybe not, but it still hurts for a while... a long while. No one deserves that," I replied.

"Are you speaking from experience?"

"Maybe," I replied, immediately stopping after. I didn't want to have to lie to him about it, but I didn't want him not to know either. He waited patiently as I took a deep breath, composing my thoughts. "There was this guy, really tall, really handsome and I felt like I fell in love with him the first time I saw him. It felt like I was drawn to him, like we were soulmates. I thought he liked me back, but he always chose this girl. He would," I paused, thinking of how I would put this. "He would end it, usually, between them and would come back to me, and I could never say no, but then he was leaving me again.

"Once he left. He moved somewhere else. I couldn't... I couldn't handle it. I didn't handle it well, especially when he came back. I was the first person he came to when his father had hit him when drunk, the first person he came to when he was hurt or when his girlfriend broke up with him this time, the first person he would call in the middle of the night if he was scared, but he didn't love me, and no matter how much I knew that, it would hurt when he would stay the night after a bad breakup and then go back to her the next day.

"So yeah, I know what it's like... and I know that it hurts for a long time. I'm still not entirely sure I'm over it. So, I am sorry because no one should have to go through that," I finished, not looking him in the eye for fear that he would know exactly who I was talking about. Scared that, somehow, he would know it was him who broke my heart and soul a million times.

"Gabe, that's... you shouldn't have had to... god," he choked out, face pale and eyes wide.

I just shrugged it off, pretending that it was no big deal, even though seeing him look at me like that, like he was hurt by someone hurting me, was painful. It was what I had wanted, time and time again, and I wasn't allowed to have it. I couldn't let myself have it this time. I couldn't let myself hope or care about it anymore. I had to get over it. "It's all in the past man. I'm mostly over it, if not completely over it. Hopefully I can find someone to help me forget," I said brightly, before realizing what I said. "Not like a one time thing just to forget, but like, an actual date."

He nodded in understanding, a sad look in his eyes, even as he smiled at me. "Well, I can't promise you a date, but how about you come over after school. We could hang out, the four of us and play games or something," he suggested.

"Sure," I muttered.

I wouldn't let myself fall for him again. I wouldn't let myself hope that this would last, if it even started. I couldn't, because it would hurt too much again. But it didn't matter what I wanted because I knew that it was inevitable.

I was already in love with him.