Sanders Sides One-Shots

Apathetic - Analogical

Tw: panic attack

Logan laid on his bed, staring at the ceiling without actually seeing it.

He didn't know what time it was or how long he stayed there, just looking up at nothing.

It was not unusual for him to feel this way, it was not weird for him to feel apathetic, but this time was different.

Usually he would feel void of any emotion but he would still feel the will to do stuff, to be active, to work, to get moving.

But that day he didn't feel anything, nothing at all; he didn't feel like reading or writing, nor did he feel like working or hanging out with the others. At the same time, though, he felt like doing all those things all at once. He wanted to run away and stay right there where he was.

He felt like he didn't have any interest at all in life, while simultaneously feeling like he was reaching out for dear life trying to live it to its fullest. Everything seemed boring, dull, numb but also scary, exciting, intimidating, worth living.

He had a bundle of figuratively black thoughts in his mind, all contorted one over the other in a huge mess that he was trying to solve, but in vain, cause it just kept getting messier and messier until he got lost and overwhelmed by this black, black sea, and he couldn't see and he couldn't think and he couldn't breathe and he was just drowning in his own mind, with no one there to save him.

Suddenly someone appeared in his room, the sudden noise making him jump back into reality and realize the wetness of his cheeks.

"Lo, breathe with me." Virgil said, rushing to his side and taking his hand to ground him, his voice betraying his worry and concern.

Logan looked at him helplessly as he tried to imitate his boyfriend's breathing pattern.

He panicked even more when he realized he was failing even in that simple task.

"Sssh, hey Logan, Lo, look at me." The logical side whipped his head around, eyes wide and scared, tears streaming faster down his face.

"Breathe. Everything will be okay. Breathe." Virgil stayed calmly, looking at him in the eyes, his hand going to cup his face, gently drying his cheeks.

He leaned down and started to layer small, light kisses on every inch of exposed skin until, slowly, he started to feel his boyfriend relax under his touch.

Finally Logan calmed down and his breath synched up with Virgil's, his eyes closed, his shaky hands freeing the bedsheets he held onto tightly for the whole time, and guiding them to wrap around the anxious side.

The emo like persona laid down besides the logical side, letting him nuzzle his face in his neck and hold him as tight as he could.

Virgil didn't ask what happened, or what caused him to have a panic attack, knowing he would open up at his own pace; he knew for experience that pushing someone to explain the reason behind this attacks could only make matters worse.

So he stayed silent, listening to Logan's soft breathing and running his hand through the nerdy guy's hair, who had his head on his chest, and leaving a sweet kiss on his forehead every once in a while, causing him to sigh contently.

Time passed, and just as Virgil thought he had fallen asleep, Logan spoke, breaking the silence.

"Have you ever felt nothing?"

"Nothing? What do you mean?" He asked confused.

His boyfriend stayed silent for a second fidgeting with the strings of Virgil's hoodie, not knowing where to start or which words to use. How can you explain the feeling of being separated from your body, as if you were watching yourself live, like an empty lookalike of yourself? How do you do it without sounding crazy?

Finally, he took a deep breath, his hands still moving and his eyes not leaving the hoodie's strings.

"I-I just feel like I'm just existing and not living; as if I'm staying here, watching the time pass by and asking myself why the hell can't I get up and moving like I did not even 24 hours ago. All I feel like doing is curl up in a corner of my room and sleep my days away, hoping for this feelings to just... go away." He stopped for a second, his voice was low and uncharacteristically insecure, before uncertainly looking up at Virgil, studying his face, trying to read his thoughts. "Is this normal? Or am I just weird and emotionless but with the ability to acknowledge that?"

His boyfriend hugged him close and gave him a sweet kiss on his forehead, trying to comfort him.

"You're not weird or emotionless..." he paused before adding, "I often feel like that too. You're not alone in this, Lo."

Logan looked up at him wide eyed.

"Wait, you do? Why didn't you tell me? How... how did you deal with this alone?" He asked, his heart aching thinking of his boyfriends the same situation as himself; but Virgil just smiled slightly down at him.

"But I am not alone. Every time it happens I come to you and cuddle, waiting for it to go away. I've never told you because I didn't want to worry you. But trust me, it will pass."

He leaned down and left a chaste kiss on Logan's lips.

"You'll be okay." He said.

And Logan trusted him.