if walls could talk // calum hood

chapter eighteen 💕

i roll myself over and look at a half asleep calum laying there innocently. i tap on his cheek and he opens an eye in acknowledgement.

"cal, you know earlier when you didn't want me to go and talk to ashton, why was that? you said i would leave like everyone else if i went out but... you could see me and everything i was doing and that i was coming straight back to you" i ask.

"complicated. if i told you... well, you probably wouldn't believe me" he says.

i tell him that of course i'm going to believe him and i always trust him and his judgment first. this makes him smile and he takes his medication before pulling the covers over him some more.

"maybe i was just scared you were going to see something different. maybe leaving the situation would've given you a new perspective on how fucked up i really am and then like everyone, you'll leave but fact of the matter is... i kind of love you g and i actually want you to stay with me for- well, until the end of this anyway" he says.

with that he closes his eyes and falls asleep so no more questions about it will be answered until tomorrow and i'm suddenly worried that it will be like the other times something has gone on with calum and i left it until the morning to try sort and he's been angry. nevertheless, he FINALLY said that he loves me! i think i can stop asking my mum why won't he love me. i text her the good news and she tells me to be careful she says 'you know what calum's like' referring to his mood swings and strange behavioral changes. i think about it for a while but end up just taking it as is because i love him too i've always known even since before calum and i officially met, i knew there was something special and we could have hopefully made things work. i think we still can.

i lay put my phone down on the cabinet beside the bed and lay down and cuddle into calum who's already passed out because his medication is working and works very quickly on him. i kiss his cheek and he kind of smiles softly in his sleep even though he's right asleep. he's so precious.

- -

i wake up early again which is a first in a while, at michael's i got to sleep in until 11:00 sometimes 12:30 because michael loves his sleep and crystal would be out running errands at 7:00 and she wouldn't be back until around 2 in the afternoon somedays, but it's just different at calum's and for some reason i'm always awake around 5:45-6:00am.

i get up out of bed and go into the kitchen to make my usual morning coffee. duke comes into the kitchen and starts dancing around and being really loud. worried he'll wake calum up i shove him outside for a while and shut the door.
i didn't sleep comfortably last night, i stayed awake thinking about everything especially what calum said. i've been really wondering if he actually love me or is using the world "love" for sex because he knows that i love him and if he tells me he loves me too then he can use it as a way to make me stay so i keep having sex with him. that scares me. i love cal, i want to give him the world and everything that he deserves and all i want to do is love and look after him if he will let me in.

"morning babe" cal says walking into the kitchen pouring himself a cup of coffee too.

"hi baby, why you up?" i ask him.

babe? well, maybe he is true to his word and really does love me.

"i felt you leave. i was very sad and worried about you. are you okay?" he turns to me and asks back.

i tell him that i'm fine i just haven't been able to sleep very well for the last few nights because i've been worries about him and last night was no different.
he says that he's okay and i don't have to stress myself out about him because one day soon i'll see that it was all for nothing. this worries me a bit especially the ton that he said this in.

"say what you want calum but i'm always going to worry" i say sticking my tongue out at him.

he acts hurt and fake cries then flips me off and we laugh and chat over another cup of coffee together. all my worries and anxieties disappeared when he comes in and he makes me feel so relaxed and myself. i actually feel so bad for even having anxieties in the first place, everything with calum just comes so naturally and i could absolutely live very happily ever after with him if all that happily ever after bullshit actually exists.

cal and i spend our day going around LA together and he shows me things i've never seen before. i've always loved big cities and being around people in busy areas and streets. the street noise of the sound of a city that never sleeps is relaxing to me and walking down the crowded streets of LA feels like home to me. i'm from a small city in new zealand, it's a main city but it's one of the smaller than wellington and auckland city new zealand itself is small so i feel little and unnoticed in LA, there's people everywhere. calum holds my hand tightly while showing me things and lets me take lots of photos.

on our drive home from up the hollywood hills i thank him for showing me around today and he says we should do it again sometime.

"we should have a disney day one day. just you and me babygirl" he adds.

i start to get that feeling again about from what he said earlier. when he pulls up in the driveway he asks me if i'm okay and i say yes. we walk inside and sit down on the couch and i look at my fishnet tights in the rips on my jeans to distract myself.

"what's wrong, you've been kind of... off today" cal says eventually.

" i am fine actually, i've had a great day with you calum" i say trying not to make eye contact with him.

"have i done or said anything wrong or something to upset you at all? you know i like to joke around right? i'm so sorry if i did something wrong" he says rubbing my arm.

i lie and tell him he's done nothing and it's not him.

"if it's not me then what is it...or who" he says slowly.

i look at him with tears in my eyes and ask him to drop it and he snaps back and says he wants to know who hurt me.

"i'll seriously hunt whoever it is down and i will fucking kill them for hurting you. why you? you're the most amazing person ever! i know someone did bub, so don't lie to me and tell me that you're fine because you're obviously not fine and i want to make sure you're fine. i'll find them, i promise you that. they have NO idea what's coming for them. when you're ready give me a name and a place and i'll find them" he says to me offering a hug.

i accept his hug but cry even harder. he's angry but if he stopped and thought about it he would understand but it seems like it's not that simple and you can't really take back what you've said once you've said it i guess so it's just out there forever in the open.