Moonchild ∞ pjm

十三

I wish I could say that after last night we all became instant revolution heros or that we had our own movie scene moment, like something out of V for Vendetta. But I can't, and I can't apologize, nor feel bad about it, because ultimately we still have lives. Unlike how the movies portray, dropping your 'normal' life to live a new and most definitely dangerous life is extremely hard to do.

It's not just hard morally, even though the permanent antagonist living in our minds does challenge our abilities to make decisions quick and anxiety free, but it's logically impossible. I think that's why it always seems easier in movies, not because of the million dollar cameras and equipment but because in movies logic can be manipulated into merely a theory of thinking. When moments like these happen in real life there isn't a stop still until the problem is fixed, time continues in chaos therefore lives carry on as well.

After last night and the vast majority of my supposed to be day off we all separated. Vega and I went back to college with Yoongi, Taehyung went back to his small white house, Jungkook, Jin, Hoseok, and Namjoon returned to their shared home and Yun went back to her mother's. Everything was the same but nothing was normal.

Even the simple act of sleep felt different with the thoughts of a revolution on our mind. I always had a thought in the back of my mind that I would see reform in my lifetime, but thinking and seeing your thoughts come to pass hold very different feelings. This feeling, I can't tell if it's good or bad, but it's heavy.

Walking into my morning classes made the weight feel heavier. Everyone was focused on their work, except for me. I kept my eyes trained on the back of everyone's head, I searched rooms and hallways that I entered for people who look like they are capable of murder. It's a search that only ends in another layer to my ever growing fear. Turns out that murder doesn't have a face, murder doesn't have a race or name, murder is just a word.  A word that depicts an act fueled by incomprehensible pain and ensues to more.

A person who murders is a pained person, most likely one of the most pained of us all, because whatever drives someone to take the life of someone else can only come from the deepest of mental injuries.

I feel delusional, my work in all of my classes is being tainted by the clouded thoughts wreaking havoc in my mind. All my paintings have become so sad, so dark, even the perspective drawing of a lighthouse assigned was tainted by my mental. And for the first time in my entire life I don't want to draw this week, and not because of college stress but because of world stress. The stress that I know there are hundreds of people in the world right now capable of murder, and there are so many more to touch these soiled countries.

"I didn't want to say anything," Yun's voice broke my train of thought, but I didn't mind, I didn't want to think anymore. "But you look like you're are either going to start crying or start breaking everything in this room."

"I just have a lot on my mind. This weekend really messed me up." My hands were rested in my lap. We were supposed to be working on our unit project painting, but the blues and blacks were all starting to look the same to me and the only color I wanted to paint was blonde.

"Tell me about it. When Jin called all of us I was with," She stopped abruptly. "Someone, I was with someone."

A small, tired laugh escaped from me with slight force. Yun has been telling me small stories about her and her mystery lover. Last class she explained, in the most detailed linguistics I have ever heard her use, their first kiss. It was quite romantic, it sounded perfect. But she refuses to tell me who the mystery lover is, all I know is that they are very pretty and their lips taste like cherry. I would never take Yun for a romantic but this world is full of surprises.

"Will I ever find out who this secret lover is?" I ask. My head is rested on my palm while I watch her continue to paint oil onto her canvas. "I don't even know if it's a boy or a girl."