The Sacred Memoirs of A Young Adult: I Will Always Love You

What Life Is This?

I have a hollowness within me that I can't explain. I would like to blame you but what's the point in lying?

I used to love you so much. I used to love everything about you. How you walked, how you talked, but mostly because I knew a secret about you that nobody else knew.

I knew how beautiful you are. I knew the beauty of your soul. I knew the beauty of your heart and the beauty of your mind. I knew your beauty. And I fell deeply in love with it.

I used to feel frustrated about loving you so deeply. This frustration used to eat me up inside. I felt like I was losing my mind. I used to pray about forgetting you. I thought maybe I will feel less frustrated if I do... now I don't know anymore.

I feel removed from all my feelings for you. Like I should feel something, but I can't. Now a new frustration has come over me. A frustration that I can't even explain. I can't win either way.

Why have you done this to me? Why can't I just live in peace? I love you so much that I don't even know if I can even forget you.

You don't get it, do you? I knew it wouldn't make sense. But it is how I feel. I can't help it.

Now when I look at city lights, I feel removed from the symbolic meaning they had for me. For my love for you.

Now I can only remember how it feels to love you. I can't feel it but I so badly want to. Since I realised how much love I have for you I haven't been myself.

You've changed me into someone I don't know, my love. You've got me doing different things like trying to look pretty, caring about what you'll think of me if I carry out certain actions, smiling when I'm not supposed to and crying when I'm not supposed to.

You've put me through a whirlwind of emotions this whole year and now when I want to access them, I can't. You've left me numb. A robot.

I guess what you wish for is not always for your benefit. Because now that I have what I want, now that I'm slowly losing my feelings for you, I'm slowly gaining the inability to love. It's as if I cannot love anyone else but you.

I cannot bring myself to find love somewhere else even though I desperately want to. When I imagine you close to me, it doesn't bring the same giddy feeling it used to bring. When I imagine you saying you want me as much as I wanted you, my mind does not jump to a quick yes like it used to. Instead I want to say no though there is a tug of war within me.

I simply cannot choose. I think it's because I am confused as to what I want. It's strange how one can be so sure of what one wants and as time goes by, one is not so sure anymore. I've wanted you for so long that now my brain is convinced that you are my true love. But my heart is now unsure. My heart is willing to go find an adventure of love elsewhere, yet it still feels as though it is misplaced...

Ah! There it is! My heart was in your possession for so long that it has learned to build a home for itself with you. The first home it has ever built. That's probably why your name is still whispered by my heartbeat. Not so much by my mind anymore.

Perhaps I am having one of my episodes again. The episodes where I fall out of love with you for a short period of time, only for a small action of yours to rekindle the strong fire of love I have for you. Yet this time it feels strangely more permanent... but each episode feels more real each time it occurs... yet I always fall deeply in love with you again. It always happens, without fail. But could this be different? Who knows? Only time can tell. However, I can't help the impatience brewing within... and very soon it'll overflow...

I have no doubt that I will always love you. No matter what. But I don't know whether I'm still willing to do whatever it takes to see you happy. To take away the pain that you don't even realise is there. To love you wholeheartedly, no matter what the circumstances are.

I'm not sure if I'm ready to let go either. Truth be told, I don't even know how to let go. But if this is goodbye, know that I will always love you. And if you need me, I will be there for you though I won't be able to love you the way I used to.

Oh, how I wish I could tell you all of this...