green + blue {not to be finished}

louis

it's sunday night now and the last two days have been stalked by thoughts and anticipations about my 'date' tomorrow. i cant believe that harry, a gorgeous tan, tall, handsome real man is going to be at my door, dressed all cute and holding my hand or opening my door or pulling out my seat at the lunch place. actually, i don't even know if we're going to a lunch place, i gave him all the control over that. hell, he could kid nap me and murder me behind an abandoned crack house on the outskirts of town. really, anything could happen. not that i'd be complaining, if i'm gonna die that's the best way to go.

but, i don't think that will happen. this thought sounds insane even as it just bounces around the cages of my brain, but i already feel myself starting to trust harry. i feel like i know him. i feel like i've known him. like we've been in love for hundreds of years, but forgot about each other as we aged and have just now found each other again. but, that's stupid and he's just a stranger i want to get to know better. just a stranger!

i stand up from my seat on the couch, surrounded by blankets and chip crumbs from snacking all day, as i begin to head to the shower to rinse these random thoughts out of my mind. once i climb out of my sweats and my jumper, i see my phone light up on the counter, where i have it to blast music while i showered, like all normal people do of course.

lou, i cant wait for tomorrow, i've been thinking about you way too much, and about what you said yesterday, polar bears are cuter.

as soon as my eyes have finished scanning his words my heart picks up speed like a sprinter running a marathon, and my face heats up like a oven at about 1000°F. god, this boy really gets to me.

me either h, but i still disagree, seeing as you're obviously nOt an intellectual you wouldn't know, but penguins are the cutest creature in the world. end of debate!

i shoot back as i begin to turn the hot water on in my shower, watching as the steam mixes into beautiful illusions through the air in my bathroom. i step under the scolding hot water, just the way i like it, enough to hurt but leave you room for more. the heat dances on my skin while harry dances in my mind, twirling while his curls bounce happily around his eyes, and his lips curl up in a gorgeous smile, popping out adorable dimples in his soft cheeks. he's so perfect, i could never be enough.

then it hits me, i don't deserve harry. i don't deserve this kind hero of a man. i shouldn't have such kindness and purity in my pitiful and filthy life. he must have it all, he must have all the money in the world, all the guys throwing themselves at him, all the ladies wishing he wanted them back. my scarred and dull self isn't enough for him, i've known him only 3 days but i know he deserves better, he's an angel, he deserves the sun. i cant give him that.

i turn the water to an even hotter temperature as i reach for the glistening silver hiding in the corner of the tub. lurking in the shadows of the steam, tempting me with its shimmer. i quickly pick up the thin silver slicer and twirl it between my small fingers, feeling it's cold bones against mine. the sharp edge glistens when it gets wet, so beautiful and tempting. i glance at my wrist as i raise up to meet my other hand, scars fading in color but prominent in shape. hideous. i'm hideous, my scars are hideous. harry could never want me, he will never want me. just that thought hurts more than the blade as it scratches itching skin, the pain reminding me i'm still even alive at all. scarlet red begins to tango with the clear purity of the water from my shower, making a mystical and beautiful painting out of my pain. leaving me wanting for more, longing to see that colorful array of passion spilling out of me again. my blood the only beautiful thing i can produce. i feel hot salt drip into my mouth from tears crawling out of my blurring eyes, then i hear a slight "ding" from just outside my shower door, ripping me from my red thoughts. i quickly wash out the fresh cuts and turn off the shower head as i step out of its warmth.