Dedication Takes a Lifetime (Jalex boyxboy)

v. Jufhevr- such imaginative titles ik ik

~Small trigger warning~

“Alex come on, your two minutes are up," Jack told me as he walked into the bathroom to find me sat on the toilet with my leg shaking violently.

"Babe you need to do this. For everyone's sake. I know it's hard, but you'll be okay. It's just Rian," he leaned down and kissed my forehead lightly. I looked up at him and smiled slightly before I got up and followed Jack into the lounge where I saw Rian sat at the table nervously playing with his phone. When he heard us come in he put his phone down and smiled at me reassuringly, but it just made my heart rate speed up that tiny bit more.

"So I think it's time we spoke about some things," Jack started.

"Jack wait. I can't do this," I turned into his shoulder again.

"Lex we just spoke about this, you need to get this over with at some point."

"I know and I'm not trying to get out of this, but we're all drunk and I'm sure Zack and the crew will need to know. Besides I need some time to prepare myself and I only wanna have to say this once," I muttered quietly.

"Let's just do this tomorrow."

"Is that okay Rian?" Jack asked over my shoulder.

"Yeah sure. I can't imagine how terrifying this must be for you." He waved him off.  "Just tell me are you okay now?"

"Yeah, I think so. I'm going to give to bed though," I answered. Rian nodded as I rose to my feet and made my way back to the bathroom. I stripped down to my boxers quickly and left before I got tempted again. Making my way to my bunk, I plugged my headphones into my phone before laying on my back, staring at the bunk above mine. I think I was Zack's but I wasn't completely sure. After a couple of minutes my eyes were heavy and I was falling asleep so I pulled my headphones out and sent Jack a text.

Join me l8er?? xx

Count me in babe ;) xx

He sent back a couple of minutes later. I put my phone down and closed my eyes, swiftly drifting off to sleep.

About forty minutes later I felt the bunk dip down slightly as Jack crawled in next to me. Once he had gotten comfortable, I rolled over and rested my head on his chest.

"Night Lex," He whispered planting a soft kiss on the top of my head.

"G'night Jay," I mumbled, my voice coated in sleep as I drifted intonation dreamless slumber.

--

"Jack," I poked him.

"For fuck's sake Barakat, get your lazy bones out of bed." He groaned and rolled over, desperately trying to hold onto sleep. I wouldn't let up though: today was the day I was finally admitting my depression to the rest of the crew and I needed Jack there to help me explain everything.

"Jack get up or I'm not talking," I threatened. It was an empty threat, but he didn’t need to know that.

"M'kay I'm up," he threw an arm out blindly, which I grabbed and kissed.

"Lex, believe it or not I'm never going to get out of the bunk if you're pulling my arm. It's just going to make me fall out and then you're going to have to drag me up from the floor," he warned me.

"I could always join you on the floor." I stated, idly drawing patterns on his skin.

"Don't even think about it."

"Come on then lazy, time to get up. It's D-Day."

"You go and gather everyone in the back lounge and I'll join you in a minute,"

"Don't you dare go back to sleep!" I told him as I started to leave the bunk room.

"Wouldn't dream of it sweetheart." I made my way through the bus telling the people I passed to go to the bacon lounge. I didn't tell them why but guessing from the lack of confusion, Rian had told them that I had something I needed to say to everyone. I could feel everyone's eyes on me as we waited for Jack and let me tell you, it was unnerving as heck. Eventually, Jack finally sauntered into the room and took a seat next to me. With all of the crew crammed into the small room it was a tight fit.

"So I take it everyone has no idea why we're all here," Jack asked breaking the somewhat awkward silence. Everyone nodded in agreement.

"Okay well there are some things that need to be said. Alex are you gonna tell them, or you want me to do it?" He asked me. I shook my head and buried it into Jack's shoulder.

"Are you sure?" I nodded slightly, feeling unnecessarily stupid but I was scared.

"Okay so I'm juts gonna be blunt about this because I don't know how else to go about it. For the last five/sixish years, Lex has been dealing with depression and suicidal thoughts. Using self-harm as a way to help deal with it," Jack told the group and I heard the gasps circle round the room. My boyfriend pulled me into a hug and I could feel the tears start to form in my eyes.

"So that's why the bus is so tidy," Matt muttered, making light of the dark subject which I was grateful for.

"Did you really think it was because I was a clean freak? Have you seen our apartment?" Jack joked.

"Well I did think it was weird. I'm so used to telling you to clean up after yourselves. Speaking of, your bunks are a mess."

"Don't expect anything Flyzik, my bunk is the one place on the bus where I can dump my stuff and make a mess."

"Fine, just keep it in your bunk," Matt replied, giving up on ever getting Jack to not make a mess everywhere. We stayed talking for a little while and the more I opened up and told everyone, the better I felt. Eventually though some people had to leave as they had tasks and other priorities.

"Alex, can I talk to you?" Rian asked. I nodded as we both got up. We left the bus for some privacy as everyone else was dispersing.

"Can I..."

"You can ask what you want, but I can't guarantee that I'll answer it," I cut him off before he could finish his sentence.

"What triggered yesterday and are you okay? Honestly."

"I don't know Rian," I replied slowly after a small pause. He didn't believe me, I could see it.

"Really Ri. I don't know what caused it; it was just one of those days where everything was pretty shitty. And everything seemed ten times worse than it actually was."

"You know you can talk to me whenever you want. Or anyone really, we're all there for you Alex."

"I know Ri, I know," I gave a small genuine smile.

"Are you okay now?" He asked.

"Yeah I think so."

"Good." He pulled me into a hug and we walked back onto the bus. I found Jack and Zack playing on the Xbox in the back lounge.

"Wanna join?" Zack asked when he saw me in the doorway, watching them.

"Sure," I walked in, sitting on Jack's lap and stealing the controller from him.

"Cheat!" He pouted.

"Suck it up loser," I gave him a quick peck on the cheek and continued to play.