Dedication Takes a Lifetime (Jalex boyxboy)

xiii. All The Love's Still There, I Just Don't Know What To Do With It Now

A few weeks had passed while our album was being edited together and I had mainly been using the time to catch up on my sleep and binge watch Netflix. We had reviewed the record after a handful of songs had been completed and we’d all been amazed at how good it had sounded despite its half-finished state. I had called my band mates a few times and we had hung out doing whatever, although I had barely seen my boyfriend. I tried not to let it get to me as I didn’t want to seem too clingy by wanting to spend all of my time with him.

“He’s fine. We’re not joined at the hip. He’s just busy. Probably,” I tried to convince myself. But my nervous personality was getting the better of me as he had been completely MIA for the last couple of days.

I decided to just waste the day away by watching the latest season of Orange Is The New Black when my phone started to ring. It was my boyfriend. So Jack had finally decided to grace me with the pleasure of his time. For a couple of seconds I contemplated ignoring it, but my curiosity got the better of me and I wanted to know what he wanted.

“Remembered I exist then?” I asked sounding harsher than I intended it to.

“We need to talk,” he replied, also cutting out the niceties from our conversation.

“Yes we do. What do you want Jack?”

“Can I come round later?”

“I don’t know, can you?” I replied sarcastically.

“Alex come on.”

“Chill Jacko I’m just messing. Course you can come over later.”

“Thanks, I'll see you then,” He responded. As I pulled my phone away from my ear to hand up I heard him start speaking again. “I’m sorry Lex. I know I’ve been an asshole lately.”

“Yeah you have,” I muttered earning a small chuckle from the both of us.

--

It was a couple of hours later and the last episode was playing on my laptop while I browsed Twitter on my phone tweeting about the intense emotions the show was bringing out in me. Jack was due to come over any time so that we could have our ‘chat’. I had a feeling that I knew what he was going to say. If it was then it was probably for the best, but I almost wanted to believe I was wrong. The episode ended and I was close to curling up in a ball and crying because I now had to wait half a year for the next season to come out, when the doorbell went. Jack was here. I closed my laptop and made my way to the front door. I let him in and made my way to the kitchen to make coffee.

“So…” I started.

“Why do I suddenly feel like ‘a seventh grader that’s about to get told off’ kind of awkward?” Jack asked as he traced patterns on the counter.

“Because I haven’t decided if I’m going to yell at you like one yet,” I replied with a grin as I handed him his coffee.

“God, can I keep you?” He asked when he took a sip.

“Depends on what you have to say to me.”

“Alex.”

“Jack,” I mimicked.

“Let’s do something instead,” he tried to distract me.

“Movie?” I asked all too willing to put off having this conversation.

“Can I pick?”

“No.”

--

“Okay, now that we’ve killed a couple of brain cells, let’s chat,” I turned to face my boyfriend.

“I’d rather not.”

“Come on Jack, you asked for this conversation.”

“I know, but that doesn’t make it any easier.”

“Jack,” my voice shook coming out barely louder than a whisper. I pulled him impossibly closer to me, pressing my forehead against his as I wrapped my arms tightly around his waist. He had one hand resting on the back of my neck, the other resting on my cheek with his thumb rubbing small, soothing circles. He reached up to wipe away the tears I could feel beginning to build up and were threatening to fall. I knew what Jack was going to say, I just didn’t want him to say it as I knew I was going to start crying before we were done. Our relationship wasn’t working as well as it should have been; living on a cramped bus for nine months of the year, living together and working together was too much. Despite how much I loved my best friend I had to draw the line somewhere and with the nature of our job, it was our relationship that was going to have to suffer.

“I love you,” I whispered as the tears finally started to cascade down my face, while I buried my head into the crook of his shoulder. Jack brought his arms down to my hips and we just sat there for a few minutes, the silence feeling heavy and all too consuming before he finally replied, confirming my fears for the both of us.

“I know.”