I Still Remain (Completed)

III - Arm's-Length

Wang He Di wished removing any trace of her on him was as easy as switching off a car's engine, but it wasn't.

He stepped out of his car and into the venue, trying so hard to compose himself but knowing full well that this wasn't going to end like a little happy reunion. He also knew he looked like an idiot plastering a conceited smile on his face, but he couldn't help it. It was his only act of defense against the impending rush of emotions he was about to feel.

He wasn't sure if it was his mere imagination, but he thought he caught a whiff of her perfume upon entering. It was a brief smell, but he was suddenly immersed in a sea of memories such as when she laid on his chest, hugged him or simply sat beside him. Funny how a scent triggers memories, he thought. Weird how an odor can momentarily transport you in time—as if it wasn't torture enough that they were in the same room but couldn't even look at each other.

He followed Xize's lead like a dog, one, because he wasn't even invited in this party and two, because it was taking his entire will and patience not to run around and look for her. He wanted to kick himself for even thinking that she would dare to talk to him or even look his way.

He seemed to have been awakened from a deep slumber when the girl he was with nudged him.

"Where do you think she is? I am so excited to take a photo with her so I can finally brag about meeting her to my friends. They would die of envy. Promise you'll introduce me to her?"

Didi just smiled and told her, "Yeah, sure. But maybe later."

After that, the girl busied herself with her phone, and he was transported back to his own world of contemplation. This was one of the reasons why he never dated anyone after they broke up. He never found anyone to be on the same level that she was. Anybody he met or tried to get close to wasn't as kind, as smart or as funny as Shen Yue was. After four years of being together and 8 months being apart, he can honestly say with his entire heart, that no one was ever as good as her.

He made Shen Yue the standard of all the good things in his life, so it disappointed him when a girl would place more value in frivolous activities, lacked wisdom or was disinterested in listening to him. Because she was anything but those things, so he thought he was settling for less if he committed to a relationship with someone who isn't at par or above her qualities.

He soon realized though that everyone else was mediocre not because they were but because he put her on a pedestal. She was unmatched, and rightly so. No one was ever as pretty because to him she was a goddess; no one was as kind because unlike her, they didn't have a golden heart; no one was as smart because to him, her intellect and wit were superior; and no one was as funny because only her can make his heart (and not just his lips) smile. No one could replace her and that terrified him, but he learned to live with it over the last few months.

He looked around and saw how many people voluntarily came to her birthday party even if the invite came just two days prior. He secretly envied those who had actually been invited, but he was also relieved by the thought that this many people would willingly give up a day in their lives to spend it with her. He thought about how she probably never really needed him, or his love, because she already had an immeasurable amount of it before he came to her life.

He stopped himself. He was through with self-pity, he was done doubting himself. Gone were the days when he wallowed in thinking he wasn't enough for her; gone were those dark moments when he indulged himself with drinking just because sobriety reminded him that she fell out of love with him. He was a better man now, he convinced himself.

His attention was brought back to the stage when Xiao Wen spoke into the microphone asking whether everyone was having fun. He suddenly felt the urge to hide. Xiao Wen, the best friend, who he had to made a secret pact with about never hurting Yueyue. Xiao Wen, the photographer, who would capture his most sappy and intimate moments with Yueyue, and Xiao Wen, the shipper, who told him the first day that they met, without any context at all, that he and Yueyue belonged together. Xiao Wen, whom he lost too when his relationship with Yueyue ended.