I Still Remain (Completed)

VII - Four Years

Shen Yue awoke to a throbbing headache. She slept past her usual bedtime last night because her mind kept wandering off to Wang He Di's proposition.

It wasn't that she didn't believe him at all (hell, who was she to deprive a dying old man of meeting her?) she was better than that. But she knew what a three-day escapade with him would mean. She knew what being alone with him and being comfortable in his presence would entail. She knew how it could affect her, and she was already terrified.

The truth is, she was being selfish. She didn't want to fan the fire and further confirm that she was still inconceivably in love with him. She was against the idea of brushing her shoulder with his, of him carrying her luggage to her would-be hotel room and of having to re-experience pleasant silences with him. She didn't want any of that—because she didn't want to break her own heart like she broke his. She was being unapologetically egocentric by measuring up the circumstances tactically so that she wouldn't end up tattered when all is said and done.

Or you are just overthinking. Her subconscious debated. Was she? Was she just unnecessarily exaggerating everything? Would it be just a simple visit to an old man who seemed to have grown fond of her, too? Has she become too hard, too closed off, that she couldn't decide on something that's only supposed to require empathy? Has she perhaps become apathetic, immune to feeling intense emotions for others due to fear of losing them?

She inhaled deeply before exhaling and closing her eyes. When she opened them, she looked sideways at her bedside table which had on top of it an elegant lamp, a stack of unread books, a glass of water and her cellphone. She looked intently at the water and contemplated dousing herself with it to think more clearly. But when her gaze shifted to her phone, her reflexes acted quickly and in a span of 10 seconds, she was able to write a text message and receive a response.

She rolled sideways on her bed and gripped the left part of her shirt. Guess we just have to be careful, she told her heart. The only response she got was a bounding pulse: a sensation familiar to her especially with him around.

***

It was a very uneventful trip to Sichuan—from the plane ride to Kangding airport to the four-hour drive to Danba county where the Jiaju Tibetan Village was. Yueyue was starting to feel silly having reservations about coming because so far, Didi has been nothing but casual (almost professional) and it appeared as if none of them was eager to open the can of worms that was their breakup. So save it for Ran Zheyi's (yes, she came with them) amusing rapport with Didi, she can categorically say that the trip was actually quite stress-relieving for her.

It also helped that while they were en route to Danba, she noticed how the sights that they were seeing were turning more and more magnificent. They passed through green forests and breathtaking high mountains. The steep slope also made the ride more exciting but she felt secure because she saw in her peripheral vision just how extra-careful Didi was being with his driving.

She was roused from her introspection when Zheyi asked her a question. "Yueyue-jie, I've been mean meaning to ask, I really loved you in 'Another Me' because it gave you so much edge but personally, what was your most-loved role to play?"

Didi fake-coughed before saying, "Dong Shancai."

"Don't mind his cough, I think it's terminal," Zheyi teased.

She laughed heartily before stopping to think. "You know what, I think it's this new one I'm working on. But I can't spill the details just yet."

"Interesting! Why'd you say so?"

"She's just... so strong. And this is my most mature character to date."

Didi couldn't help but interject and ask, "Most mature as in wisest, or most mature as in sexiest?"