The Fear of Falling Apart (BoyXBoy) UNDER CONSTRUCTION

Chapter Eleven

~Blake*~

I drew in a deep, shaky breath, as I walked around my bed to see the ruins of my alarm clock scattered across the floor. Fuck. Just. Fuck. Deciding that there was no way around it and that I had nothing better to do anyway, I knelt down, slowly cleaning up the mess, piece by piece. I was careful to mind the shards of glass and gathered everything up into a pouch that I made with my shirt. What the hell am I doing?

It's been a long time since I threw a temper tantrum like that. I was doing really well trying to keep my anger in check but Kai showing up out of nowhere like that... that just about made me snap. It could have been bad. The next thing that I broke could have been him. 

Dusting the remaining plastic bits into my shirt, I stood up, feeling more than a little sluggish. I turned on my heels, dumping the pieces into the trashcan by my nightstand. Now that that's over and done with, I can return to my loathing and self-pity. I flung myself back onto the bed, tossing an arm over my damn eyes. 

What the hell is wrong with him? Is he completely out of his mind? Is he stupid? Did he really expect me to just melt into his arms and forgive him? Then we just, ride off into the sunset together like nothing ever happened because he's 'sorry'? It hasn't even been twenty-four hours! I need a minute to catch up, some time to think. I don't really think that's asking for a lot. 

Plenty of other guys in my life have been sorry too. That doesn't mean that they deserve to be forgiven. 

It seems to always be the same thing in all of my relationships. It might not always be a bet, but there's always some sort of catch. It's like I attract jerks. I'm a jerk magnet. 

I guess no matter where you go in the world, guys are just assholes. They think it's okay to play with my heart and to fuck with my feelings without thinking for a minute about how it affects me. Everyone always thinks that I'm some kind of hard ass because I look so "scary". I guess to them, that means that I don't have any feelings and that I won't get hurt, so that makes everything okay. 

I'm tall, I wear a lot of black, and I have muscles, so that automatically means that I'm a "tough guy" and I'm not allowed to like romance and care about things. Can't I be both? Why, whenever anyone looks at me, do they just see someone who should either be completely avoided or fucked with until they cry? 

To me, Kai always just seemed... different. 

He took the time to talk to me. He really seemed to be able to understand what I was thinking and how I was feeling. He looked past my "rough" exterior and he seemed like he genuinely wanted to get to know me. I was excited to go out with him and with every date we went on, every text message we sent, and every phone call he had, the more excited I got. I thought that he felt that way too. 

I guess looking back now, however, I can see that there were some signs that said the opposite,  I just really didn't want to believe them. I got too excited and got ahead of myself. 

Although there were signs that I definitely should have noticed, there were also times that he just seemed so... so into it. He was always holding my hand, kissing me, buying me things, and complimenting me. Things seemed different with him. 

I guess this is why it took him so long to kiss me. 

And I was begging for it, looking oh, so desperate. Holy shit, I feel pathetic. 

Oh, well. Fuck it. Add him to my list. How many times has this kind of bullshit happened? Being used, played with, and cheated. I think I've lost count. I just seem to have the worst luck when it comes to picking guys. I just want someone who cares... Someone who isn't afraid of me. Am I really so unworthy of love that this kind of thing can just keep happening over and over again?