Sunflowers - Commentary Community

Sunday - James Marriott

Do you ever lay in bed and wonder? Wonder how life would be if you never existed. If your entire existence was just someone's fantasy. They were the thoughts of James as he finally rested his head. Sunday night, the last night before the chaos began all over again. The university lectures, the exams, the assignments and not forgetting the stress of his career and livelihood.

Sundays were always the worst days. The days would drag as the thoughts began but it was when he stopped that they truly ambushed his mind. James had finally stopped editing his video and conversing with the only friends he seemed to keep. That wasn't because he was a bad person, James was the friend everyone needed. He was caring, supportive and no matter what was going on in his world, everyone else came first. The reason he had a small circle was because that's exactly how he needed it to be in this moment. The pressure was overwhelming and he could barely breathe as it was. The more friendships he had, the more stress alongside it as he needed to ensure that everyone was happy and safe before even contemplating his own health.

He finally laid in bed around 11pm. Everything was dark apart from the small amount of light that escaped his phone screen. He couldn't sleep, not yet. He had 5 hours worth of thoughts and never ending paranoia to work through first. He heard the bustle and nattering of his friends in the background. He couldn't make out many of the words but he definitely heard his name once or twice. That's when the thoughts progressed into a whirlwind of hysteria.

All he could think about was whether he was doing enough to support them. Alex had been having a hard time and James just felt like he hadn't supported him enough. He missed one of Alex's calls once, he was in the shower, and a wave of hysteria washed over him. That made him feel dirty and unkempt more than he previously was. Alex's mental health had been bad, maybe as bad as James' but Alex was very vocal about it. James didn't mind, helping one person made him forget about his own issues. That was until the nights came.

The night always came the exact same way. Lying in bed listening to music and just hearing the words as they were sung. Every word, every chord and every beat meant something and reminded him of something or even someone. It was as he thought through what he had achieved, he reminded himself that this wasn't anything like he planned. It wasn't anywhere near as perfect and that was the first thought that broke him. He fell from perfection into a pit of self hatred. The kind that plays in your mind for hours. He realised that maybe if he had tried harder, if he had put an extra hour into a video or assignment he wouldn't be in this position. What he didn't realise is that he was in an amazing position with an amazing support system if he would just open up and talk to them.

He was always scared to tell them the thoughts he had, the ones were he didn't exist. He was worried that they'd call him crazy. He played them off into jokes, laughing at his own insecurities. No one realised that those words were filled with truth and honesty. He didn't want to exist. He didn't want to be alive. He had no purpose, or that's what his mind told him. James was always in his thoughts, dragged out by the alarm that rang through his ears.

8am. He hadn't slept. He just laid there, waiting for his mind to go to sleep. It never did, and it was time to start the chaos all over again.

Death seemed like an escape, but the mess left behind just didn't feel right. Who would support his friends if he wasn't there? Maybe he needed to exist, but James will never accept that fact.