Sunflowers - Commentary Community

Worthy of You - Pyrocynical

'It's crazy how I can sit here and think about everything that happened between us. All the crazy arguments and fall outs but mostly my thoughts go to the times we were happy. The times were you would sit in my arms and we would just stay there for no reason, no need to talk, and we were happy.

I don't think you ever realised quite how much I was in love with you, do you Zoe? I would have taken a bullet in the chest, I would have drown to save you. I would have do anything, just to keep you safe. But you didn't realise, did you?

Now you're floating around the country, different hotel each night. Always in that room for one when I was there building you a palace. I don't want this, I was doing it all for you. Every video, every brand deal. It wasn't for me, I didn't care for the money. I just wanted to make the most I could to give you everything you deserved. I know I broke so many promises, but there was a reason I promise. I missed dates, I always turned up late. I was moody and grouchy when you were there and I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. It was all for you, I was so focused on the future that I forgot about the now.

It's all clear to me now Zoe, I wasn't ever worthy of you and your beauty. I didn't deserve your kind heart. I've taken every punch, every harsh word that was said, every hateful comment and I'm still standing, just. Zoe, it's crazy but I can't prove anything to you anymore. This is who I am, this is what I would do but honestly, I know I'm not worthy of you. So let the hate continue, let the words overwhelm my body and drown me in venom because that's what I deserve for how I treated you.

Looking back, I didn't do enough for you, not really. Like I said, it was all about the future, not about the now. But if I focused on the moment, I'd have gone insane. How was I expected to give you what you deserve whilst admiring the angel I had? I couldn't , I didn't and in a way I wish I did. I would have driven myself into an asylum just for you to get everything you deserve. Zoe, I love you. I just wish I was worthy enough to see that beautiful smile just once more in person.

I'm not innocent, I know that now. Back then, I wouldn't accept it. I couldn't see how my behaviour was so negative to you but I was a fool. Yet everything I did, every mistake I made was for you. I'm not innocent, not by a long way, but I am honest. Zoe, this year without you has been torture. I've sacrificed everything by sending this voicemail but I know it will fall on deaf ears. That's okay. I don't know where to go, I don't know what else to say.

Zoe, I can't say these words to anyone else. I can't make this public, I can't scream it from the rooftops. I'm not a fool, I don't want to hurt you. I don't deserve you, I never did. The hate won't ever stop and that's okay. I deserve it. The fans, if I can call them that, really know how to hurt me. Everything I see, even to this day, tells me how lucky I was to have you and how much of a fool I was to let you just go. I should have fought for you, but what good would that have done.

I don't deserve you, I never did. I wasn't ever worthy of you, Zoe. I hope he treats you right, I hope he loves you as much as I do. I'm sorry. I didn't want to hurt you. I was just so oblivious to my actions. Zoe, it's been a year. But I will always love you.'

Zoe listened to the message for the third time that night, tears rolling down her face as she sat alone. She opened her Twitter to see that man's photo still present on her feed. Why she still followed some of his fans she didn't know, but she was thankful for their support. She opened her blocked list to find his username just sitting there all alone just as she was. She hovered over the unblock button, wondering whether it was worth pressing.

"Oh Niall, you really shouldn't have sent me that..." she mumbled as she unblocked and followed her ex that would always hold a special place in her heart.