As I Collide, I See I Am a Paradox // White Collar

NINETEEN

Pretend your day is happy
Pretend your life is good
Pretend it's come together
The way a good life should

~

When Neal came back, he didn't even notice the funny looks that Matthew was giving him. Or maybe he did, but simply did not care enough to ask. He leaned forward and rested his elbows on the table in front of him, his eyes on Kira, "You order for me?"

"Uh-huh."

He nods. Jayson spoke next, "Have any of you ever wanted a regular type life?"

Matthew leans back and throws his arm on the back of the booth, "What's that supposed to mean? Barbecues and ballgames?"

Jayson's left shoulder shrugs, "Yeah."

Matthew lets out almost a chuckle, "Just a 'regular type life?' Like your life?"

"My life? No, my life-my life's a disaster zone." Jayson looks down, "I look at my life and I see a mess. And I don't even know how it got like that." He shrugs again, "You know, but I look at the three of you and you guys know what you want. You're determined."

"So, what are you asking?" Neal shifts his gaze towards him, eyes wary.

"I don't know. Do you ever have...regrets?"

The table falls silent. Neal and Matthew eyed each other to see who would speak first, but were surprised when it was Kira, "I do." She looks down, "One of the cons about having this life is you have to lie to people you care about. You can't get attached to anything you are not willing to walk out on in 30 seconds flat."

Jayson looks at her, "That sounds like a horrible way to live."

"Well, that's the life. The life I chose." She gestures to Neal and Matthew, "The life we all chose. If you ask 'why?'" She takes a glance at Neal and Matthew, "I'm sure we had our reasons. Now, they may not be good reasons, but..." She tilts her head with the smallest chuckle, "...I don't know how to do anything else. Don't much want to either."

Matthew grabs his straw and rips open the wrapper before putting his lips on it and blowing it in Jayson's face. Jayson jumps in surprise and glares, "What the hell, man?" He grabs the wrapper and crinkles it into a little ball before throwing it at Matthew. Matthew leans his head back a little and flinches as the wrapper hits his right eyebrow. Matthew doesn't even try to get him back, but simply puts his straw in his drink, then stirs it with the straw. He takes a sip, then looks up at Jayson when he says, "You know, I heard that stuff eats your insides."

"It's Coke."

"Coke eats your insides, man. It's science. 180,000 people died worldwide from sugary drinks last year." Jayson points to Matthew's coke, "This is stuff is gonna screw you up, man. That's all I'm saying." He lifts his hands in surrender.

Matthew leans back into the booth with a shrug, "Guess I'll die."

Suddenly, the kitchen doors flew open and the delicious smell of food reached their noses. Kouki walked over to them, holding all four plates at once. He sets down a plate, saying, "Your Crispy Chicken Tenders, Sir." Kira slides the plate over to Jayson and watches as Kouki sets down another plate, continuing, "King prawns and chicken pasta." And another plate, "Barbecue ribs." And the last plate, "Children's fetishine alfredo pasta with your side of broccoli." He places the plate in front of Neal. Everyone looks at Neal to see his reaction as he slowly takes a moment to stare at his food in shock.