As I Collide, I See I Am a Paradox // White Collar

FORTY-FOUR

Note: Reader discretion advised.

thoughts were a constellation
life was a train of desperation

~

All she needed was a trigger. The sound of the door opening, for example. She didn't waste another second. She climbed over the edge and when she saw someone come into view, she let herself dangle. Her breathing was ragged, her eyes squinting harshly. Her fingers were burning and she only just started. She had to chant to herself quietly to not look down. That the roaring of the cars was the sound of the wind and the loud horns was thunder, which doesn't really make it better, does it? The last thing she needs, at this very moment, is wind and thunder.

Her heart beat out of her chest as her elbows started to ache and that's when she began to faintly hear voices coming from Reina's office, "It's just over here."

That's Reina's voice. Where is Jayson? He was supposed to be distracting her! Kira's brow furrowed. Who is Reina talking to?

And then he spoke, "Look, Reina, I know you're really happy about today because it's my birthday, but I'm not really in the best mood."

Jayson. He was inside with her. Kira knew she shouldn't be listening, but she doesn't really have a choice in the matter. And besides, the temptation is just too great.

"I know that. Which is why I wanted to give you this. Happy birthday, Jay." Kira assumed Reina was showing him something, but she couldn't be sure. The only thing she was sure about was that she couldn't wait until these ninety seconds past.

She wouldn't be able to hold on longer than that. She knows that. And she knows none of this is worth dying. But maybe — maybe, for once, they can win.

She did what she told herself not to do. She caught her breath and let her head fall to the distant ground below. She's the only thing holding Jayson back. Maybe if she was gone, he could be happy, he could move on. Maybe Alex would stop distancing herself. Maybe Neal would open up more. Maybe Mozzie could move on from this life.

Maybe she would see her mother. And that's all she's ever wanted, right?

The voices continued, breaking her from her grim train of thoughts, breaking her gaze from the ground that was so far away, and yet, so close. "Look, I didn't just bring you here because it's your birthday, Jay. I wanted a place where we can be alone." Reina said and Kira could hear the smile on her lips, "You're the most important person in my life. You always have been and you always will be. You've been there for me more times than I can count and especially recently and I am very grateful. And I know this is bad timing or whatever, but I can't go on like this. I can't let you leave without knowing how I feel about you. Because I'm in love with you."

Kira tightened her hands that were loosening with every second that passed by. The shock shouldn't have come, but it did. And it almost made her lose her grip, which would have been bad. It seems Jayson was in shock too.

She heard no response.

"You can say it, Jay. Say it. Tell me that we're meant for each other. Tell me you feel the same way." Kira could just picture Reina stepping back, a grim realization coming upon her, "Unless you don't..." She said next and now there were no words that could possibly fix what has been lost.