Sunset highway

You left me

It's been 4 days

4 long dreadful days without Alicia

Today is her funeral and no surprise neither of my parents will be joining me to watch me breakdown and die inside

I remembered asking my mom yesterday if she was coming

"No sweetie I have a very important thing in the morning,I'm sure you will be ok it's not that big of a deal for me to miss"

"Oh yea it's nothing" I stare before quietly whispering "it's not like I'm going to a life altering funeral or anything"

"Pardon What was that" she said looking up at me
"Oh nothing"
"Good because I don't need your backchatting today" what an amazing mom I have

So this morning I lug myself out of bed and into the bathroom and hop in the shower,turning the shower heat in full and relishing in the burning sensation all over my body. I scrub my arms and legs raw and they streak red then I switch off the shower and step out.

I've decided on a plain black dress and ankle boots. I don't do my makeup because I'm not in the mood for anything.

The weather fits my mood perfectly,no sun and grey clouds.
Jace is waiting for me outside so I slowly make my way down to his car just letting the rain soak my skin.

I open the door and get in not bothering to attempt to dry myself. We drive in silence,not one of uncomfortableness or shame just an understanding that neither of us is ready to speak yet.

Jace has been my to go to person since Alicia died,he was the only person I allowed in when i sat in my room day after day crying my eyes out. He was the o my one who actually cared,Alicia's parents have called and called but u haven't been able to bring myself to pick up. They left a message with my mom saying they need to see me but I can't I just can't risk the little bit of sanity left to go over there and see their broken faces.

I get out the car and look around the almost empty parking lot

I guess I'm early

"The gathering is this way"Jace beckons me over and puts his arm around my shoulder and tucking me into his side.

I lean into him,using him as a pole to keep me up as I amble slowly towards the black crowd of people. Mentally preparing myself for pity and requests for me to go to rehab because they don't want me falling into a pit of self harm and  punishment.

I see her parents standing with a small group of people. Her dads hair is disheveled and looks like he hasn't bothered to brush it and his head is hung low
However bad Alicia's dad looked her mom look 100 times worse,she had red swollen bags under her eyes and she was barely standing up,her hair was tied in a messy knot on her head and her entire appearance looks broken and-lost. She looks up and sees me and beckons for me so I walk over leaving Jace behind and hug her.

"I'm s-sorry"
"Shh it's not your fault you did your best"
Jace comes up behind me and greets her mom
"This is j-Jace he knew a-Alicia.

People start clearing away as I walk past looking at me with a emotion I can't quite place. As people move I catch sight of a light brown oak coffin sitting on two chair looking things. I glance down at the yellow roses I brought
Her favorite

Jace senses my anxious energy and lets me go nodding towards the coffin.
My breath gets caught in my throat as I stumble towards my dead best friend

I'm afraid to see her cold lifeless face,I'm scared I will break down right there crying in front of all these people.

People all around me become a blur and the noise slowly filters out leaving a deafening silence in my wake
I breath in out in out trying to clear my head as I stop near the open coffin.I lean over and almost expect her to jump up and say jokes or something stupid like that but she doesn't and won't ever again,I lean down kiss her head and put the roses on her stomach and place her cold hands over it

"I'll never forget you Ali,I hate you for leaving me how could you I'm all alone how am I going to get through these years without you how could you do this to me how am I going to do this"

Another sob takes over and I stop
"I love you al don't forget that"

Everything after that was a blur a tearful haze, the night by constant was Jace holding my hand as the ceremony continued.
I want to be invisible,I want to hide in a corner and not see all these sad faces,I put my head between my knees as they shovel dirt into the grave and sob
Trying to hide my tears trying to hide the pain inside

I miss her. I hate her. I love her

She's gone - she's dead

I'm alone again