What If?

"Schedule"

It became a routine. Jacob and I would facetime or call in the morning and again at night, sometimes we would be so caught up in a conversation we both would fall asleep on the phone. Not being able to touch him or be there physically was tough but facetiming him made the feeling of distance go away. We had a routine, a schedule to say the least and we stuck to that...every day. There isn't a minute where I don't want to talk to him and it's crazy because what it seems to be about a month ago. I was single and practically just lost and even though we weren't talking for that long and now dating for almost a month, it's been the best time of my life but there were some nights where it was hard....and those nights consisted of bickering back and forth but we've always bounced back from it but tonight wasn't one of those nights. 

"I just don't understand!" I tell Jacob, closing my bedroom door behind me. "You know how I am with drugs, especially the ones the make you numb to emotion" I say, but I see Jacob doze off again, he closes his eyes, his face relaxed without a single care in the world.
 

"This is ridiculous...I don't know how to act right now, you said you weren't into this shit anymore Jacob" I plead to him, his eyes shot back up and looked straight into my direction.

"Stop. Please just stop babe, I know I'm a piece of shit for doing acid but if you keep making me feel like a horrible fucking person I'm going to have a bad trip, so please....just calm down okay?" and he continues "I know it doesn't make any sense right now, I don't make a whole lot of sense right now because I'm high off of my shit but It's too late now...so just please try and calm down before I start tripping" Jacob pleads, he sighs and brushes his hair back with his hand. 

"Fine. I'll stop but if you think that I'm just going to forget about this and not talk about it tomorrow morning, you're wrong" Jacob nods his head and dozes off again and all I could feel was me being so upset I wanted to scream. I know that Jacob has different types of medication to help with his anxiety and his pain that he has from the military, but acid isn't one of them. As much as I wanted to wake him up and tell him off...I knew it would only make it worse so I just lay there in my bed with tears pricking out of my eyes.  "Why didn't he tell me?, Does he  even trust me?"  is all that came to my mind. There's nothing more that wrenches my heart than me finding out something about someone and they don't seem to really care after you find out and then here I think "Am I overreacting?" "It's not a big deal...it's not like he's doing coke or heroin" and suddenly I just get conflicted with myself, feeling like I'm at constant war  whenever  shit like this happens and boy does it suck. I ended up leaving my phone on my nightstand, leaving it on facetime. My eyes were puffy, I couldn't breathe out of my nose anymore because of the stuffiness and as much as I wanted him to wake up, I knew he wasn't going to.  

-

I woke up the next morning to a whole load of messages and missed calls from Jacob. I immediately call him but it goes straight to voicemail. I think nothing of it and decide to take a shower before starting the day, I take my phone and my speaker with me, bringing it into the bathroom to play music. 

After I was done, I dried off and put some oils in my hair before wrapping Into an extra towel. I think about last night and how he just put that tab in his mouth like it was nothing, I thought he was just kidding at first....but then he just wouldn't shut up about the trip that he soon was going to feel. He's not a bad person, I know he isn't and I know he wouldn't intentionally try and hurt me...but it's the fact that he didn't tell me that he still continues to use drugs. Suddenly my phone rings and as I turn it over, the devil is present. 

Incoming call: Jacob 

Even though I really didn't want to answer, I picked up the phone and clicked accept. 

"Yeah?" I say, I then here constant worriedness on the other end of the line 

"Baby I am so, so sorry" Justin says frantically, his voice cracking a little bit. 

"It's alright babe" I tell him, setting the phone on my bed while picking out clothes to wear 

"no..no you don't understa..." but I cut him off 

"baby it's fine...really it is. I just want to move past it for right now" I tell him. I know I wanted an explanation last night, but I've been only dating him for 3 weeks now....if his feelings for me is real like he says they are, he'll change it. A man will change his actions if he wants too, it's not my job to remind anyone on how to act regarding their choices but Jacob still proceeds to go on. 

"No hun....you don't get it. I care for you a lot and I'd give up anything to make you happy. You're the only girl that has ever made me feel like this, I mean yes I've been in love before but never like this. Never this fast and it scares me.... I take acid mainly for music purposes but I wasn't tripping off of acid, I also took Xanax as well and that helps me with my emotions because it takes it all away. I just didn't want to tell you that part because well...you'd freak the fuck out on me and that would've not been good on my end". Jacob says and I suddenly just felt my body get all warm. I noticed something that he said that caught me and I don't think he realized that he had said it but I did and it was clearer than ever. 

"Did you just say you were in love with me?" I ask Jacob, his honey, brown eyes glance up at me and he gently bites his lip and blushes.

"uh yeah, I think I did"