What If?

"I still feel the pain"

"I still feel it. My anxiety is still with me, my depression is still present and I get paranoid here and there over stupid situations that happen because I'm so damaged".

"Brooooo come on, it may be a Thursday night but all the boys are going out tonight" Nick says, trying to persuade me to come and join them at the club. "Don't ya wanna get laid tonight??" Nick asks me. Before we left the barracks, Nick and I decided to take a few perks and do a few lines of coke. Once we feel the high kicking in, we left with the rest of the gang, making sure to pick up some alcohol along the way just in case we bring back a few chicks with us or we end up getting kicked out. "So...Jacob...how many girls you plan on getting lucky with tonight?" Nick asks me while winking, I laugh while chewing on an altoid and turning up Kanye.

"Uhhhh quite a few If I get lucky" I tell him, he pats me on the back and laughs 

"Ayyee that's my man right there!" Nick hollers and falls back into the seat."Shit man...I'm feelin' pretty fucked up right now" Nick squints his eyes and grins at me and all I do laugh a little because of how high this mother fucker is.

We finally arrive at the club and Nick and I are so high that we feel the music coming from inside the club is pulsating from our veins as we stumble away from the Uber. We enter through the crowded doors into a room that smelt like liquor, sweat and sex. 

"I'm going to go find us a table!" Nick shouts at me.

 "Okay!" I shout over the music and see Nick disappear into the mob of people on the dance floor. My head feels like a feather and my body feels so heavy...but I just found myself moving over to the bodies of people, dancing and grinding happening from left and right.

Suddenly, some girl bumps into me and I look down "sorry" she says and tries to maintain her balance but out of no where I gained a boost of confidence.

 "Wanna dance?" I ask her, she looks up and smiles "yeah!" she says and she then doesn't even hesitate to move her body against mine. I put my hand on her hips and swayed to the music, her ass grinding on me and following the rhythm to the beat of the music. 

"Ayyeeeee haven't even left you for 10 minutes and you're already getting lucky my boy!" Nick shouts at me, "Here!..one for you...and one for the lady" Nick hands us shots of Jager and I shoot it down immediately, feeling the hot sensational burn going down my throat.

I feel the vibrations of the dance floor flowing up and down my body, the beat of the music pulsating through my veins, I was drunk and high off of my shit that I wasn't even aware of anything surrounding me, I didn't care about anything, past, present and future didn't mean anything, I couldn't even remember where i was at.... all I knew and what I wanted the most was to just get fucking laid. The girl that I had danced with was pretty hot but she seemed too much of a prude. So my last resort was my ex, she cheated on me and that is why the relationship ended but my stupid, intoxicated brain kept pouring thoughts in my head and telling me that I miss her and what made it even worse was my body was craving her.

I hit her up but she never texted me back, tried calling...wouldn't answer. "Fuck it", i scoff under my breath and go back to the dance floor, some girl noticed and moved her body closer to mine as she smiled.

 "and your name?" The woman asks

 "Jacob!" I say. 

"Cool...my name's Rachael" She tells me. 

-

Rachael led me to some bathroom and before I can make out was surrounding me... her mouth crashed onto mine, it was cute how she tried to dominate kissing me, she tried to hold my face in her hand to get me to pull closer but I pulled it away. Rachael then bent down and went for my pants and I let her unbuckle my belt, I then let her pull down my boxers and just like that she starting sucking me off. I grabbed a fist full of her hair and pushed down so i can hear her gag but she kept rejecting it. "I really hope this bitch doesn't throw up on my dick" Is all i can think about right now.

10 minutes...20 minutes goes by and I can't cum...all of a sudden i'm thinking about my laundry, "should i do whites first or blacks?". I then tell her stop and she reaches to kiss me but I stop her, I was going to tell her to leave but thankfully her phone rang. "Yeah? Oh shit!" the woman reacts while brushing her matted hair away from her face. "Uh..I gotta go" She says and starts walking towards the door. A few minutes later after I take a piss, I exit the restroom and I see a fist fight, realizing that it wasn't just some random people fighting, Nick was in there. 

"YOU FUCKING PUSSY ASS MOTHERFUCKER! COME AT ME! I'LL FUCKING KILL YOU!" Nick screams out as he scores a punch to the guy's temple and knocks him out instantly.

"Lets go!" I try to pry Nick off of the guy but he doesn't stop until I got him where it hurts,

"OW MOTHERFUCKE.." He screeches, Nick tries to swing at me but he was too drunk to stand up that he just fell back over. 

"I SAID LETS FUCKING GO!" I scream at him back and pull him with me towards the exit. "I'm calling an uber, stay the fuck there and chill out" I tell Nick but he cusses under his breath and takes another swig on his beer bottle. "Mother fucker....I wanted to just fucking kill him" Nick splats out 

"Shut the fuck up and chill out" I tell him.

-

"And yeah, that's kinda why I was happy I left because it was just too toxic for me, I mean yeah, Nick is my best friend, he's my fucking brother in all honesty but I feel bad for him" Jacob tells me as he's talking about some bar story that seemed to be his last. 

"Well baby you know...maybe you just shouldn't hang out with that particular crowd" I tell him, but I just seem him shake his head.

 "No..no you don't get it. Marines....it's a brotherhood, a sisterhood. It's hard to explain but me and him bond like no other, as much as I hate to seem him like that most of the time, I couldn't shut him off completely. He's still my best friend, my brother and even though I'm out now, I don't forget any of it. It lives with me every single day....I still feel the pain, shit I still have it and I don't really know how to get rid of it".

Authors note: Hey guys, so if you're kinda confused on this chapter that took me so long to write...It's a flashback, I thought maybe "hey why not give the readers a little bit of history on Jacob's past a little bit". Hope ya'll enjoyed!