I write to keep our love alive||√||

Finding out I was pregnant

*Edited*

I was 22 and we had been married for two years now. We had been trying to have a baby for a while but never had any luck. I was beginning to think it would never happen,now I would never admit that to you of course,it would break your heart and who knows what would happen you could turn to alcohol. I mean Ik that's literally like 1% possible but its still a possibility I mean come on you had always wanted kids,that had never been a question. You had always wanted to be a dad.

If I wasn't able to give you that then I would never forgive myself. When we thought that I was pregnant the first time your got your little hopes so high just to be let down when it was false. That hurt you. I can't even count how many nights you didn't come home and stayed out all night at clubs with the guys.

"Bye my love."you placed a sweet peck on my lips as I laid in bed half asleep "Mmm bye." I mumbled as I turned over,turning my back to you. I heard you chuckle before placing a kiss on my cheek and the next thing I hear is the soft click of the bedroom being shut delicately. I smiled and jumped out of bed when I heard the front door shut(way less delicately) and ran over to the dresser where my purse sat on top by our wedding picture. I dug through the purses contents until I pulled out my phone,I unlocked it after taking a few seconds to smile at my lock screen wallpaper of a picture of you in me in fourth grade smiling big smiles with our braces. I clicked on Lauren's contact and started texting her

To:Lolo💜

Hey!! He just left,get your butt over here!

From:Lolo💜

Omw

To:Lolo💜

Kkkk!!!

I clicked my phone off and put it back in my purse before walking out into the hallway of our little apartment that we currently lived in. I ran down the stairs and straight into the tiny kitchen to make some breakfast so that I wouldn't starve poor Lauren after waking her up at 6 in the morning,like I wasn't gonna feed her. What kind of bestie/sister in law would I be if I didn't.

After making some pancakes and filling Lauren's up with loads of whip cream and cut up Strawberry's on hers. I poured some orange juice in two glasses and put the syrup on the counter before I heard the door open and slam shut,now that could've been you or it could've been Lauren but let's be real here you wouldn't have slammed the door thinking I was still asleep unless you were really mad and I don't know why you'd be really mad or why you'd leave for work and come right back 20 minutes later. Now,Lauren always slams the door and the sound of her voice yelling "I'M HERE HOE!"let me know real quick like that it was her,I chuckled and hugged her when she came into the kitchen "Ooooo!!! Food!!" She jumped on a stool and devoured a pancake. I sat across from her and took a sip of my juice "so are you sure?" I asked "oh yeah!"

Then she pulled out a Walgreen's bag "here,go take it and then you'll know I'm right!"she shoved the bag into my chest. I raised my shaking hand and grabbed the bag before walking into the bathroom.

After taking it the box said to wait at least 5 minutes so I did.And I can't even begin to explain the emotions I felt as I waited those agonizing 5 minuets ,I swear the clock slowed down and 5 short minutes felt like 72 long hours.Then Lauren informed me that the time was up and it was time to see if this was real or not.....deep down I knew it would be negative but I wanted to believe that it would be positive,I wanted to believe that we would get our family.

I slowly walked down the hall and the closer I got to the bathroom the faster my heart started beating. By the time I opened the door I could hear my heart beating in my chest, I could swear that it would burst out at any moment but I just took a deep breath,calming myself before I took my shaky hand and grabbed the test off the counter.I closed my eyes as I turned it around. Before opening my eyes I braced myself for the pain of getting my hopes up just to see it's negative but when I opened my eyes I saw a pink plus.......I fell onto my knees with tears falling from my eyes,I covered my mouth as a gasp left my lips.

That's when I heard the door open and close "I'M HOME!!"and then I heard you and Lauren talking. I couldn't hear it clearly,my sobs got louder as I sat of the bathroom floor with my back leaning against the cabinet as I clamped my eyes shut and squeezed the test in my hands. Then you and Lauren ran in with worried looks "what's wrong?!"you asked,squatting down so you would be closer to me. I just shook my head and let out another sob as I watched your eyes grow,knowingly Lauren frowned "Negative?"she asked,I slowly pulled my shaky hand away from my mouth and used both my hands to place it in yours,I closed your fingers around it and turned my head so I couldn't see your reaction but I heard your squeal and then you picked me up and spun me around with the biggest smile on your face,I smiled and kissed you.

"YAYYYY IMA BE AN AUNT!!!!"Lauren screamed as we all jumped around"y'all have to tell mom and dad!"she squealed "we will. Tomorrow."you said with a grin "tonight we're gonna celebrate!"

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I sat on the couch drinking wine and crying as I looked through old photos.I ran my fingers through my hair and closed my eyes as more tears fell....today has been hard on me,it's Johnny's birthday and I'm really torn up. The kids are out with Nadia seeing a movie because she knows how this day goes.

I cry.

I drink.

I rethink everything.

I do stupid shit out of sadness.

I blame myself for what happened even though it was not my fault at all.

And I eat everything in the house before doing a bunch of other things that involved him.

It was 9 at night and I had been looking through pictures for hours now....Nadia called and knew that I was drunk so she decided to keep my kids for the night. The movie was gonna end at 10 and then they were gonna come and get some clothes and of course say bye to me. Usually if I didn't drink on this day I would snuggle with my babies but I knew for a fact that it wasn't a great idea to have them around when I was like this....it was only the fourth year you had been gone but it seemed to be getting harder every year.

Every year was just more painful because it was another year without you and you didn't deserve that.You deserved to be here to raise your kids...to have the family you wanted. I mean you got it but you didn't have it for long....you had your family for three years and then you thought you would have a bigger family and that's when you had to go and DIE.

"WHY'D YOU LEAVE ME!"I screamed into thin air "why..."I sobbed "WAS I NOT GOOD ENOUGH? YOU LEFT US! WHY DID YOU HAVE TO DO THAT!"I let out some random screams as I pulled on my hair and sunk into the couch more....my bottom lip quivered as I let out shaky breaths

"I love you..." I whispered

"I miss you..."

"Come back...plz...for me...?"

Xoxo

Heyyyyy Ik I posted this a day late I'm sorryyyy but I was just really busy and didn't get to write at all so if I didn't get to write then I didn't get to go through a chapter of this and add a few things or take away a few things. This is not edited and none of them are but after I post all the chapters I'm gonna go through and edit them.Also is it just me that wants to cry after reading this chapter? No? Ok. Good because I seriously feel kenzie's pain.