I write to keep our love alive||√||

Letter #3 Dear,Johnny Orlando

*Edited*

"bye love you!" I placed a gentle kiss on Jr's forehead before watching him run up to his friends and get in line. It was his first day of kindergarten and the friends he ran up to were Logan and Layla. I had already talked to his teacher and my feet were killing me so I sent one more motherly smile his way and walked back to the car with Xander on my hip "you ready for daycare bubba?" I asked as I buckled him into his car seat"Yea!!"he squealed with a huge smile "wow I see you don't like hanging with mommy at work anymore!" He frowned "I never said that!" I chuckled "I know bubba! You know Mrs. Sharon's gonna miss watching movies with you on her computer! Her poor heart...she already had to give up Jr and now she won't be able to do it with you." He frowned even deeper if that's possible but I'm not about to lie he looked adorable "tell her I'm sorry!" I smiled and nodded "I will"
-
After dropping Xander off at daycare I started making my way to the office. I work at the bank and mainly just do paperwork in my office,Sharon is one of my business partners and has always watched my kids when I had to bring them to work with me.

Once I got to work I walked to the very back of the bank without talking to anyone,when I got to my office I noticed that Sharon's office door was open. I decided to be noisy and stick my head in her office just to say hi,when I walked in I saw her asleep with her head on her desk. I couldn't help but laugh "Sharon wake up girl!" Her head popped up and the look of surprise took over her facial features "I'm up!"I chuckled "I take it you didn't get much sleep last night?" I smiled as I slid into a seat in front of her desk "it's Sean, he's been having these weird headaches and he's keeping me up all night. You know him he's a workaholic and he still works nights so I stay up worrying about him."I nodded "I know how you feel...when Johnny was here he would have deadly fevers and would stay out all night on a movie set without taking any medicine..."my eyes pulled with water "oh I remember,you would come into work a mess!"we both chuckled "I've been meaning to ask how the writing has been going?" she asked,her brown curls bouncing up and down as she lightly bobbed her head back,Sharon was only 1 year older then me and had always had killer looks her friendship meant a lot to me and I don't know what I'd do without her and the girls "it's going..."I sighed and leaned back into the seat "kenz..." She frowned "no it's just getting harder to do it but I'm gonna get more used to it. I feel like I'm trying to hard ya know?" She nodded "well I'm always here right down the hall if you need to talk and you have my cell so call me whenever."I nodded and smiled "love you Shar but I need to get to work." She smiled and got up to hug me "love you to kenz!" I waved goodbye as I walked back to my office.
-
After a long day at work I was home it had been 5 hours since the boys got back and each one had millions of things to say about their first day.

I sat down with a piece of paper and pen. "Time to write another letter"I breathed out before pressing the pen to the paper and letting my hand glide on the paper

Dear,Johnny Orlando

Hey....it's me....again.Today was really long and it felt as if the clock was ticking extra slow just to get under my skin. I can't explain what it felt like to want to actually write to you today.

K I know that sounded bad but I promise that's not what I meant by it. What I meant was that I actually have things to say today. Positive things,and since I wait until the boys are asleep to write to you I've had this urge to speed up time but it seems as though the world isn't on my side today and just wanted to watch me suffer just so it can laugh at me.

Today was Jr's first day of kindergarten and let me tell you,he had a lot to say when he came home. The boy talked my ears off,he said stuff about how he asked Raelynn out and she said yeah so now he's hell bent on marring this girl because Hayden told him not to hide his feelings cause it never turned out good and some crap about how you and him were the best with the ladies and how he'd always be better then you. Idek,Hayden is weird as hell and I know he's still upset about you leaving us just as everybody is...we all miss the hell outta ya but no matter how many times we pray you never come back.

Xander kept talking about how the teacher was a huge fan of his daddy and omg he wouldn't stop screaming your songs at the top of his lungs. I swear my headache was insanely painful and took over three hours to get rid of.

You know I miss you like mad. If you were really here I wouldn't be crying at a desk writing my feelings out because I'd just be able to pour all my feelings out on you. The sweetest thing is you never judged me when I did that,you supported me with every decision I ever made and were always on my side even when I was in the wrong you would tell me you didn't agree but you'd always be behind anything I choose. I remember when I was all in my feelings after I found out. that I wasn't actually pregnant and you weren't there for me...it was knew for me to feel what I did and not have you there wiping my tears and just being there in general. With you staying out every night I was stuck to think that I did something wrong and it was my fault because I was the one who thought I was pregnant in the first place, I remember screaming at God blaming him for it and saying it was his fault you weren't in my corner when I needed you most. I remember the Sunday after I found out that the test was false which was on a Monday I woke up early and put on loads of makeup to just make myself better. I got dressed up and made my way to the church. You hadn't been home since Tuesday and had barley made any physical contact with me you had sent me one or two texts letting me know you were ok so I wouldn't worry because that was something that I struggled with. When I got to church I didn't expect you and the guys to be sitting at the very front pew listening closely as the preacher started preaching. I sat in the very back with my legs crossed and a tissue box that I used to wipe my tears at times. You looked back at me at the worst times possible,I was balling my eyes out silently and that's when you decided to acknowledge my existence,you had jumped up and ran over to me,taking my hand and quietly leading me to the parking lot. I remember focusing on the sound of the gravel crunching under my feet so I wouldn't fall apart right then and there.

You had wiped my tears and frowned "what's wrong baby?"you asked my heart almost dropped when those words left your lips. I was angry at you for even asking and wanted to slap you because of how stupid you were being but....I didn't. "Nothing...it's just I need you Johnny!"I whispered which was not what I wanted to do,no I wanted to yell but it just wouldn't come out,I didn't have enough strength to yell at you and I didn't have enough energy to try harder because I just wasn't in the mood. I felt empty inside and at that point I had realized that I wanted to leave...yes I thought about leaving you...

Ik it was selfish but I just wasn't happy. I felt hollow and instead of hearing my heartbeat I heard the sound of shatter in glass every morning...I was broken and so were you. It wasn't working for me back then. I couldn't count on you anymore,at least that's what I thought, I remember you saying something acting like you didn't know what you did wrong I can't remember what it was exactly but I do remember this part. You said "I am here! What are you talking about. I'm here for you now tell me what's wring with you because it's starting to worry me...come on talk to me" as I said or wrote I guess you could say lol I don't remember what you said exactly but I remember what I said "Johnny I can't do this anymore!"my voice was more loud and I watched as you staggered back in surprise at my sudden spark of anger. I remember sobbing so hard my throat felt as though it was being tore apart slowly as I walked turned. on my heal and walked to my car.

Of course we got through that just like we do with any fight we had...it was just another bump in the road. Everything got better and by the time Annie had Logan we were fine,and a year later I found out I was pregnant and this time it wasn't some false pregnancy test.

It was Jr!

Well I should be going to bed soon so until tomorrow.

Love you

Love,

Your lovely wife

I wiped away the few tears that had fell onto my cheeks and then used my sleeve to wipe away the tears on the desk. I folded up the piece of paper and put it inside the box before slipping into my bed and closing my eyes, letting out a deep breath I mumbled "Goodnight John. I love you"and turned on my side fall in into a dreamless sleep.

Hiiiiiiiiiiiiii

So, so, so sorry that I didn't post sooner, it's just my grandma had surgery today and I've been at the hospital since 4 am with my aunt soooooooo when I got home which was around 12 pm I went to sleep and didn't wake up until freaking 6:30. also I can't remember if I posted yesterday or not and since I edited the last chapter it isn't telling me lol.