The Lucky Ones [Watty Awards 2012]

Monster:The Present

I won’t go into details of how we met but Shane and I were the best of friends for a couple of months. I told him everything and anything I could about my past and he did the same.He aided me on learning how to trust again and for me that is by far the nicest thing anyone has ever done for me.

When you find a friend (not romantically) of the opposite sex it is a perfect friendship. It is the middle ground between a brother, sister friendship and an intimate one. You care for each other through thick and thin and always there as a guide but keep your distance.Through every raging storm life brings you find your bond getting stronger until one person likes the other more as friends.

The only problem with these friendships is that after a while of being very good friends’ feelings change. You start to crave the person daily because of how they make you laugh and can help you through anything.

And right on queue this happened. And yes we tried the whole long distance thing and it worked…for about a month.

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When you love someone but unfortunantly they can’t be there you start to crave intimacy. For a relationship to work there has to be some passion, without it you have nothing.  And for some reason when you have someone, thats when people seem to want you. It's ironic. After a while my strength faltered and I cheated on him with an ex.

Cheating is never right but I somehow I enjoyed the thrill of it. I did it again and again and again until I finally knew I had to stop. It wasn't fair on Shane and he deserved the truth.

I expected him to be angry with me, scream and shout and maybe hang up and never talk to me again.

 But he didn’t.

Instead he told me he had been doing the exact same thing. We had been cheating on each other.

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I wasn’t angry with him but he never forgave me. He could lie all he wanted but I knew he could never trust me ever again but I forgave him.

Did I love him? Yes I'm sure of it and I still do but I doubt he believes me/ ever did.

After a brake of a few months we tried to resume what we had but it was now broken beyond repair so we broke up. Then after a few months we tried again and broke up.

I resumed my usual antics but Shane grew alone and depressed.

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I have a question. How do you know when to let go?

You know how people say you shouldn’t resume contact with an ex…well they are right. It messes things up. Big time.

When I got a long term boyfriend who as much as I tried I couldn’t feel anything beyond friendship for, Shane and I stopped talking. He was jealous but at this time I didn’t care.

But when that relationship flopped Shane and I tried it again. At this point we had matured more and Shane was more realistic of our situation. Things seemed to work from then on.  We lasted four months. It got to the stage where it felt like he would put me last, he didn't seem to care anymore.  And I had had enough. He could have told me 'I love you' every second of the day but that meant nothing. He didn't show it.

Also we always argued. About anything and everything. We were toxic together.

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After all that we were in an awkward place. We loved each other like boyfriend and girlfriend but tried to act like friends. But that didn’t stop me getting upset when he didn’t text me for a couple of days even a week.  

And he expected me to be ok with it.

I wasted allot of my time waiting for him to take notice of the effort I put in to keep our friendship stable. But he didn’t seem to care.

I always put him first in my mind when I planed things, making sure I’d tell him if I wouldn’t be able to talk. Does he do the same? No.

I have tried to get away from him but how do you let go of someone who makes you happy, knows you inside out and someone you trust.

You can’t.

But I did.

Just a few days ago I told him I didn’t want to speak to him anymore. It hurt yes but I am tired of putting everything on the line for someone who would rather be playing video games. I have my life to lead and he has his, were on opposite sides and I'm done pretending that we are going in the same direction.

I bought something to remember him by, cheesy I know but it’s subtle and no one would realise it carries a year full of memories.