The Lucky Ones [Watty Awards 2012]

If I Loved You, Why Do I Still Want Him?

Compared to Evan he was very mellow. Nobody really knew about our relationship except a small group of friends... But everyone could see how happy I had suddenly become. I had a bounce in my step. I was constantly smiling. Butterflies would attack me whenever he held me and told me he loved me. But all good things come to an end.

And after the magic wore off I realised he was too quiet for me. I'm not a needy person, but I felt like he didn't have time for me. He rarely texted me and he was often too busy to spend any time together. But more than these reasons there was something missing. Also something was missing, something I had never experienced but had always known about...The passion. There was no passion in him, love, or hate.

Ever since Dylan and I had started dating Evan and I began to drift apart but we still stayed in minimal contact. Then one day Evan and I were talking and he revealed to me that he had had a crush on me ever since we met. I was shocked. I knew I was still crazy about him but I had a boyfriend and now he was telling me this because he was single and I was not. To be honest, it pissed me off but somehow instead of shouting at him I told him that I had some suppressed feelings for him too and he smiled. Not a small weak smile but a broad one, that added so much light into his face and suffocated me with the feelings I had for him that had lain dormant for the past few months.

After talking about how we felt for an hour he had to go. We were having a walk while talking but I said my goodbye but just as I was about to head for home he looked intensely into my eyes but it felt like he starred deeply into my soul while pulling me against his body, leaning into me slowly as if to kiss me. You know how I said I was attacked by butterflies with Dylan? Well with Evan I was ambushed by thousands. My whole body tensed up as I felt a shock spiral through my body. But just as his nose brushed against mine he stopped. He kissed me goodnight on the cheek and left. I wanted to run after him and hold him close to me again, just to touch him. Kiss him until nightfall. And I knew by the way he hesitated to let me go he wanted the same.

After that day I didn't hear from him for a week. Forgetting I still had a boyfriend, I felt heartbroken...I fell back into that depression from the first time I met Evan. Thoughts were racing through my mind wondering where he was and what all this meant. I didn't tell Dylan what had happened? Even though I wanted to, I didn't cheat. Dylan didn't even notice I was upset and that something was bothering me. I felt so alone and so neglected, I needed a friend.

Then one night I woke up at two fourteen am because my phone rang just moments before, it was Evan. I contemplated leaving it to ring but I needed answers. He told me that he needed some space to clear his mind because what he had nearly done and wanted so bad didn't sit well with his conscience. He said that he had tried to leave me alone but he couldn't. He told me he loved me.