Perspective

Chapter Six.

"You can't always get what you want
But if you try sometime you find
You get what you need"

***

Work was bullshit, well more bullshit than usual.

I couldn't concentrate, this afternoons events with that green eyed witch doctor turning up at my house has tied my neural pathways into knots all night.

My job alone usually leaves me feeling mentally exhausted, after dealing with customers and plastering a forced smile, with a chipper attitude all night. Being a waitress was never my dream job but it pays the bills.

The endless, abysmal black hole of bills that I can never seem to claw my way out of, no matter how hard I work.

I suppose things would be easier, if I wasn't micromanaging my mother's finances on top of my own, or if she hadn't of put me in $15,000 worth of debt with out so much as a single ounce of remorse or gratitude, and continues to try and suck me dry financially any way she can - as I've said before, I'm indebted to her, I owe her that for existing.

My money is her money, because she made me so ergo what I earn is hers.

To be fair though, at least it's only her that I'm taking care of these days, I spent three years loving and supporting the man, who was also an adult toddler, that treated my heart like a hacky sack before he so graciously put it in a blender.

Things could be worse, Silver linings again.

My feet are aching as I walk up the driveway to Frankie's house, looking at the two story house and wonder what it would be like to live somewhere that nice.

I've never been one for materialistic things, lavish lifestyles or really cared for those sort of things, but sometimes I get curious.

I wonder what it would be like to live in a house where you don't have to play a guessing game every time you get in the shower about the water temperature changing from scalding to freezing unexpectedly, being able to use the kettle and microwave at the same time without it shorting out the power to the house or even something simple like cupboards or doors not just falling off the hinges.

I suppose everyone's interpretation of luxury is different, to me, something like a dishwasher or a clothes dryer is a far away dream and a luxury I've never had - I don't even know how to use them.

I just, sometimes I day dream about what it's like to not struggle, to be able to exist without some form of overwhelming dread about how you're going to scrape by.

That's another reason I don't like people coming to my house, especially compared to what Frankie calls home, my life and living situation is embarrassing.

I may not live in a mansion, and my landlord may never fix a damn thing and my oven may smoke if I try to use it but I make the best of it, it's all I can do.

I walk up the side of the house towards the stairs to the back deck, counting the seconds until I can see Gizmo, I need some fat furry loaf of bread hugs to soothe the ache in my head.

I wish it was a headache that was troubling me but unfortunately it's just become one of those nights; the thick black fog swirling around in my head like cloaked spirits with long fingers and sharp nails that claw at the inside of my skull, whispering all of the melancholy chants taunting me like a hum until its deafening.

Some days are worse than others, but the stress from today has triggered the usual murmuring into screaming and a god awful nauseous pit in my stomach making my skin crawl, so I doubt I'll be getting any sleep tonight once again.