Perspective

Chapter Sixty.

"She,

Shed a light upon his soul.

And the truth hurts

But to hide it can be much worse."

Song: She - Jared & The Mill

Warning: Discussion of Suicide.

***

"What do you mean you hit it on purpose?"

I've said before about how much power words can have, and the ones i just heard felt like they crushed my soul.

His words are still ringing in my ears, and I'm struggling to comprehend them. It's hard to concentrate with how I just felt the sharp way my heart snapped in half when I thought of that happening to someone I love so much.

...Wait - 

Love? - I love him?

Oh for fuck sake. This is not the time for that revelation brain, you fucking inconvenient asshole. I've managed to avoid admitting that to myself this whole time and now you've gone and fucked it up.

"Well, I saw the tree and then drove straight towards it, accelerating until I hit it," he says that with a dry humour to his voice, laughing weakly under his breath out of discomfort instead of amusement. He won't stop staring at his hands.

The image in my head of that is making my lungs feel like they've filled with lead and fire.

It quickly pushes aside the confession I just involuntarily uttered in my head that I'd been trying to avoid.

"... So.. you're telling me tried killing yourself?" I ask that as carefully as a person can, but the sentence leaving my mouth felt like it cut my tongue as it did so.

The thought of that is heart wrenching, and something I never ever expected from him.

He gives a short nod as his confirmation and turns his face away for a moment like he doesnt want me to look at him.

I have to swallow down the sick feeling that engulfs my whole body.

I knew Harry and I had more in common than I thought... but I never thought this was something we had in common. What the fuck do I say? What should I do?

He licks his lips and speaks again, seeming like he wants to fill the silence to distract from how uncomfortable he feels. His voice sounds so solemn and dissapointed in himself and it's fucking killing me.

"I let everyone think I'd just gotten drunk, acted like an idiot and it was all an accident. Everyone was so pissed at me. They still kind of are and I don't blame them. I remember being so disappointed when I woke up on the ground -- disappointed that I woke up at all. Then I had to call my mum because I couldn't walk, and seeing how much I scared her, as well as my dad made me feel even worse. I couldn't hurt them more by telling them what really happened."

I remember the disappointment I felt... And I hate that he's ever had to feel that. I hate that he's ever felt like ending everything was a solution to what he was going through.

This feels like being hit by a bus, then it puts itself in reverse and runs over you again.

The fact he's hidden it from everyone... let everyone think he was carefree but happy when he was actually in unbearable suffering. Jesus Christ I was not expecting this when we pulled up here in his car tonight.