Perspective

Chapter Twenty Seven.

"Can't you see oh can't you see
What that woman, she been doin' to me"

***

I'm paralyzed again.

I just keep looking back and forth between my mother and Harry, wishing I could shrink away and hide under my bed.

I hate that I feel like this around her.

I watch my mother's personality flip like a switch, to a bright friendly smile and it honestly makes my skin crawl. Because I know it's fake.

She's not happy to meet him, she just wants to know why he's here.

She just wants to know what I'm doing.

I'm grappling between embarrassment that he is standing in my room half naked, and ashamed that he's actually meeting her.

I don't exactly have a mother I'm proud to introduce to people.

The way she's treated herself all these years has weathered her and it shows, even though she's only 55, you'd swear she looks over 70.

She's wearing her usual slippers, tights and crinkled over sized button up shirt that hangs on her frail frame; her short salt and pepper hair is carelessly brushed and when she smiles it's obvious from the worn creases on her face and dull teeth that she's drank and smoked majority of her life.

My mother looks between us, expecting an answer and I don't miss Harry glancing at me with a look I can't make out, but I don't have the time to make sense of it.

This is what I was worried about, these are the parts of my life I never want anyone to know about.

"I'm Drews friend, Harry - You must be her mum. It's nice to meet you"

Harrys tone is polite and cordial, but it lacks the warmth I'm use to from him and I can't figure out why. He just gives her a smile; and starts to tug on his T-shirt over his head.

I don't know how to feel about it, but part of me wants to kiss him all over again out of relief; just because he didn't say anything to make this more awkward for me.

I don't know if he did it on purpose but I appreciate it.

"He's Frankies cousin" I blurt, for some reason feeling like I owe an extra explanation.

I always feel like I have to explain myself to her.

It's one of the things I try and work on with therapy... among the other clusterfuck of things I need to sort out.

But that anxiety, that stomach churning anxiety that ripples through my whole body and up my throat is the worst part, it's that feeling you get when you lean back in a chair and you think you're going to fall.

It won't go away.

The constant hyper vigilance is exhausting.

"Oh well it's nice to meet you Harry! I'm Sharon" she says with a cheerfulness I know is all too fake, it's all an act for strangers "Drew never brings her friends over" she pouts with an accusing look at me but then her brows shoot up in excitement when she looks back to Harry "You should come over tonight for dinner"

You wanna tell him why I've never brought friends over mum? Even as a kid? Or are we just gonna gloss right over that like you always do?

I clench my teeth, not out of frustration but it's just a reaction to the stress going on in my body.

Harry glances at me again, like he's observing my reaction but I dont understand why, then he clears his throat and shakes his head with a smile "Sorry I can't tonight, I've got plans - but thank you for the offer"