Requiem [COMPLETED]

My Therapist is My New Mom/My Pastor is My New Father Figure

Facts. These are the basis of my life now. That's what I tell myself. But really the basis of my life is emotional baggage, self doubt, and a nagging sense of ignorance about my childhood and my family. Speaking of which, I'd of late started going to see a counselor at the school's counseling center. It was spurred by Sven's sudden confession one evening that he'd been seeing a pastor up in north Fargo for the last couple of months. I was astounded he was setting foot in a church after going through our church publicly shunning us and insinuating that we were facing eternal damnation for filial disobedience. I had no desire to attend church ever again; yet Sven honestly seemed really happy having a spiritual home for himself again—well, maybe at peace would be a better description. I said he hardly knew the pastor yet and was stunned when his reply was, "I know, but I can tell he's just a really kind, honest person." You don't even trust me sometimes. So why him?

What surprised me even more was that Sven seemed willing to share about his experience, even telling me (what seemed in full) the story of how Pastor David found him and "saved" him. I was relieved that his mysterious behavior had nothing to do with addiction; both Charlie and I had been anxious on that score since we already knew his weakness for alcohol. I was leary of how this religious stuff would play out but Charlie said so far it seemed better than the alternative. But Charlie never took religion seriously, so how could he understand the siren pull of it, the guilt complex of it?

After Sven's confession, I thought that if even Sven could reach out for help, maybe I should try. My thoughts get stuck inside me and never find their way out, trapped in my whirlpool of compulsive repetitive mulling. So I went where I would be comfortable, to a secular place. I wouldn't say that my counselor and I get on easily—our personalities don't mesh—but I do trust in her confidentiality and professionalness. I feel like I'm starting to break out of my cyclical bouts of depression and guilt and it makes me want to really do something. It makes me want to actively take control of my life emotionally, rather than just controlling my daily tasks.

Fact: The better and bigger my support network, the more likely I will stay safe. Abusers are manipulative, it's how they keep control. It's important to have a close group of friends and family that keep me from going back to the danger; sometimes I am not the most reliable guide for what is best for me because I can be guilted into doing things I'd regret, like going to visit him at the farm (which luckily Sven and Chuck won't let me do even though sometimes I still think about it.) I'd just be inviting him to berate all my decisions at his leisure in the comfort of his own home.

Fact: My feelings will change, erratically. I will try to rationalize them, justify them. This is when I put myself in danger. She told me it's actually normal to feel guilt and anxiety, especially if a person who's abusive switches and baits by changing their behavior suddenly to be nice or repentant and tries to convince you they've changed. The fact that grandpa had somehow found out our number again wasn't helping. When grandpa would call I would swing into nostalgia, affection and overwhelming guilt by the end of the conversation. I really needed to stop listening to the voice messages he left on our answering machine.

Fact: Ending an abusive relationship is not the same as ending a healthy relationship. Since I cannot trust my abuser, I cannot give him contact he needs to keep hurting me or try to lure me back. As much as I feel guilty about running away, my counselor and Sven have both said I don't owe him anything after being treated so badly. They said I shouldn't consider his feelings as equal to my own in this situation; that's what he wants. He doesn't care how I feel as long as he can guilt me into doing what he wants.

Also in this vein, Fact: My abuser knows the reason I've broken off contact, and he understands very well why I left him back then. I should not discuss my actions because he needs "closure" or feels "abandoned." He knows very well that he has been hurtful; this is just another manipulative ploy. In his eyes, nothing I do for my own well-being that conflicts with his 'need' to manipulate me is justifiable, so discussing my actions just gives him the chance to argue how wrong I am. I don't like putting myself first, but with Sven's help it's getting less hard to believe I should.