Sunflower

38 - Trapped

Theo

I hugged him as close as I could, my hands around his torso, pulling his body into my embrace. I am such a dumbass.

"I'm sorry." I don't know why I felt the need to repeat those two words. Maybe it was for him, for myself, or to beg for forgiveness for ever thinking so wrongly and doubting him. No, it was definitely for him. I was wrong again, I made assumptions, and I hurt him. He didn't hurt me, I hurt him. I am a monster.

He doesn't deserve someone like me; he deserves better. Yet I can't help but have my heart ache for him, even in that moment. Not in a sexual way, no, but in a way that I wouldn't be able to hold anyone else close to me if they weren't him.

I want to tell him that I understood most of the pain, most of it. Yeah most of it, but not all of it. I don't know what it's like to have the attention of a father, even if it is a negative way. I don't know what it's like to be hurt by my parents, and I don't know what it's like to still be trapped with them. He was still trapped.

I only know neglect, I only know what it's like to be drowned by a brother and beaten, and I only know what it feels like to feel so desperate for relief that you give up and let anyone who wants to use you do so.

That's where Micah and I seemed to differ. I gave up, I didn't acknowledge that I cared or had emotions, I didn't find myself to be a human. I was free from my family, I was free from my old life back in England.

Micah wasn't free. It was like he was still chained to whatever past he had to live through. The abuse, the memories, and just the images of his own father hurting him, but in the flesh.

Yes I still had the memories of everything that happened. Yes I had the dots to remind me what I had been put through. Yes I was still haunted by my nightmares, by my own personal demon.

Nevertheless, it didn't compare to Micah. I used toxicity to my advantage and forced myself to give in, ultimately making myself feel like I wasn't a person. We were so different.

That didn't matter anymore. Nothing ever did. No one ever will, except for Micah.

I care about him. I want him to feel safe and comfortable when he is around me, I want him to feel special, like he's at the top of the world whenever we are together, and I want to hold him for as long as I can.

I want him to enjoy every bit of affection I show him. Every small kiss, every small embrace, and every cuddle session we have ever had or will have. I want to make him happy and show him what it's like to be truly loved. Even if I don't know it myself, I know that Micah is my priority now and forever.

I just need to stop ruining everything.

"I'm.. so.. sorry." He forced himself to say in between his sobs. I just shook my head and pulled him even closer to my body, if that were possible. I laid down onto the sand with Micah trying to calm down his crying on top of my chest. I stroked his brown locks and curled his hair a bit with my fingertips, letting him take a hold of my other hand and fumble with my fingers in his hold.

Our legs tangled together as we laid on the beach, the sun already gone, the moon over our heads.

He scooted up so that his head was underneath my chin, and I just sighed in content and in relief once his crying had stopped. His warmth radiated off of him. I felt butterflies in my chest, like it was the first time we had been close together.

At that point I just held him with one arm. My right hand still in his two palms. I felt sand make its way up the back of my shirt, some in my sweatpants and socks, but most of all in my hair. I tried not to think of it much as I let the moment of us on the beach sink in.

I felt like something had changed, like I had changed. For the better or for the worst: I didn't know yet.

All I knew was that Micah was the reason.

~ baba