MY SMILE IS A RIFLE

THE PAST RECEDES

Ayayay, chapter 4 is here! Enjoy and leave some feedback guys, thanks for reading this ♥

John looks at you for one more second, then wordless reaches out his arm to help you up again. Now you stand just right in front of him, your face is just a few inches away from his face and you take a very deep look into his eyes. You feel like your heart is breaking , you can see so many things in his eyes , you feel like through the look of his eyes you can read his complete story and how broken he felt.

" Sorry John, I didn't mean to just stay in front of your door and overhear you, I just didn't want to interrupt you and..." – " It's alright Jolene, it's nice to know you actually came here to look for me after I went out of the common room....Really."

You were surprised that John wasn't one bit angry at you. "I just wanted to look for you now anyways and there you fell all over my feet so..." John smiles at you and you try your best not to blush. " My room is quiet a mess at the moment because I just opened my suitcase this afternoon and my clothes are basically spread all over my bed but... would you like to come in for a while anyway?" "Well... actually we're not allowed to go into the other patients rooms you know John. If someone sees us we might get some trouble" "Oh come on, who is supposed to see us? Lina that nurse bitch?" – you both instantly smile – " I bet she's in the staff room watching some cheese love comedies and it seems like most of the patients have already gone to bed. I really need someone to talk to and you're the only person here that I like...." "Ok John you got me." You couldn't believe how things have turned out, just this morning he seemed like the biggest ignorant asshole and now he was asking you to spend some time with him.

You both sit down on his bed and John looks out of the window for a couple of seconds. You decide to break the silence that somehow always was between you and that you really couldn't stand. "John, why did you run out of the common room? I mean I really didn't expect that. What was wrong?" " Well... did you ever... you know... look at old pictures of yourself or think of a situation you've been into and you're just disgusted by the way you look, your way of thinking back at that time, just your whole appearance and the fact that it's actually you makes you feel sick?" "Yes John, I guess that's one of the reasons I'm here. I've never been very happy with myself..." "Well. .That's how I felt when I saw my stupid face on TV in the common room. I don't want this to be me. I want it to turn into a forgotten shadow" He sighs. You try to follow his thoughts but its quiet hard since you don't know a lot about him. "John... may I ask you why you actually quit the band?" "That was one of the reasons why I quit the band. I just didn't get along with myself anymore. I felt like I was losing my complete identity. I had to be someone else to satisfy the whole world watching me. And as I started to act like someone else I actually forgot who I was inside.... I.... I acted like a total asshole towards my bandmates... I mean Flea, the bassist always treated my like a real brother and I just behaved like a piece of shit." John voice cracks several times and you have to suppress some tears. " The more I lost myself and didn't get along with who I was becoming, the less I got along with my bandmates. The atmosphere between us was really bad and looking back now I feel like it's all my fault. It was too much. I started hearing spirits telling me that I was going to fail in everything for the rest of my life if I don't leave the band...and so I quit...and then I really got into drugs...heroine and all.... but.. I love music so much.. I just want to make music again" You think about the spirit thing he mentioned for a minute and don't really get what he meant with that, but then you see John looking down on the floor and hear him gasp very loud, just then you see some tears falling down on his legs. " John...." Instead of saying anything else you decide just to take your arms around him. You can feel the bones of his shoulders cause he was so skinny and you feel your heart ache. " John , I know that you regret your past. It's clearly to see that you do. I can even feel that you do... but you can't change it by now anymore. But well, you can take this chance and turn the future into something that you'd be happy with. Use this chance and start the rehab as soon as you can! If you stay here for a couple more days and behave right, I'm sure they'll let you go back to floor 3 soon ! " John looks up at you, his eyes were still wet but he had stopped crying. " Jolene, can I tell you something?" " Sure John" " I think that you're a beautiful existence" You look down for a second and hope badly not to blush, you didn't expect him saying that and besides that you really weren't good at appreciating compliments. "Well....umm thanks John " "No really Jolene. I don't get why you don't like yourself. You've got a hella lot of reasons to like yourself" "It's not that I hate myself that much, I just feel like it's my fault that I feel so lonely all the time. I used to have a lot of friends but somehow most of them left me after a while. It must be something about me. Something can't be right with me." " Or something's wrong with them Jolene. I mean... - now John stops talking and looks away again, but still you can hear him whisper silently "I wouldn't leave you..." then again – this awkward silence – You just sit there on Johns bed, and take a look at his room, you could see some kind of messed and wrecked up diary on his nightstand , there were clothes all over the room, mostly flannel shirts and jeans and next to the window you could see his empty guitar case, the guitar was lying next to John on the bed.

Now John starts talking again " Do you feel lonely right now Jolene?" he almost sounded like Mrs. Gati , your therapist. "No I don't..."You answer honestly. " You see... I don't feel lonely as well. I don't feel bad next to you." You throw a soft smile at him and he smiles right back. Then his eyes strike the window again "Wow this hospital has a pretty nice park. Shouldn't we go out for a walk?" you smile at him, his idea of walking through the park right now was ridiculous, it was like 10 pm and at that time no patients were allowed to go out anymore and besides that, you weren't aloud to go out anyway, your therapist thought you weren't stable enough already to leave the building on your own, but since you were with John you really felt pretty good, no more depressing or suicidal thoughts.

" John I'd love to take a walk through this park, I always wanted to ever since I came here but I am not allowed to go outside, Mrs Gati says I'm not ready for it... and it's already nights rest! "

" Oh god who cares about fucking nights rest? And who cares about what anyone says Jolene. Do YOU feel ready to go outside, huh? " "Yeah.. sure I do." John smiles widely, stands up and you just wonder what he's going to do next as he just grabs your hand,pulls you behind him,silently opens his door and walks to the elevators. Everything here was quiet, but you knew there was some night watchman on every floor so you had to be very careful. " John, we shouldn't take the elevators to get down or we'll get caught by some of the guards!" " Oh yeah you're right, lets take the staircases and then look for a back door!"

You sneak to the staircases and look for some kind of backdoor as you reach the main floor. " Holy Fuck it's a miracle that we didn't get caught already John!" " Well today's our lucky day Jo" You blush as you hear him call you 'Jo', most of your former friends call you that way, you hated it but John said it in such a nice way that you actually liked it. "Look, there's a emergency exit, let's go that way" You walk towards the door and as John opens it you feel like you're breathing fresh air for the first time since years. It was a quiet warm night in September so just wearing a hoodie wouldn't make you feel cold. " Look, we're having full moon, isn't that beautiful?" You look up to the night sky as John mentions it and smile. You used to love drawing moons and tonight the moon was really beautiful. " It's really wonderful John. I'm so happy we're outside here, you have no idea, I've wanted to take a walk outside here forever!" John smiles at you "I'm happy too. It feels weird. I haven't been happy for a while you know..." " You know what John, let's just forget about our problems for tonight and enjoy this stroll through this beautiful park "

You walk through some meadows towards some trees, John talks about some ideas for songs he lately had and you just enjoy the fact that you've found someone to talk to, someone interesting, intelligent and deep, you somehow felt strangely comfortable by his side.

You reach a bench that is settled between some trees. " You want to sit down here for a while Jo?" "Yeah, this place is beautiful!" Just as you want to sit down you suddenly notice that John had been holding your hand all the way down from his room when you left til you reached this place.

You look at his face as he isn't paying attention and recognize how beaitufl he actually was and you don't mind at all that he didn't let go off your hand, even by now as you two had sat down.