MY SMILE IS A RIFLE

at the worlds edge

This moment doesnt seem to want to pass. He looks at you. He looks right into your eyes and you can see the fear growing inside his eyes. And he probably could see this blank stare of fear in your green eyes as well. Now you both were standing there,somehow unable to move, unable to say anything, unable to get outof this awkward situation which was so badly in need of explanation.

By the look in his eyes and the terrified expression in his face you could cleary recognize that you ‚caught' him. He had been lying to you. And he probably wasn't even going to tell you what this four dollar magazine was telling you now. John had joined the Red Hot Chili Peppers again. He was part of this really famous band again....doing what he basically loves the most...music...living his dream by playing his guitar and making records with his friends...that's what he came back from the hospital...it wasn't you. You were just something that happened ‚besides' his real life. Now it all seemed so clear to you – eventhough there were these billions of thoughts rushing trough your head right now, there was this one clear insight in your thoughts that was coming closer in front of your eyes more and more : You weren't the same to John as he was to you. You weren't what he loved as much as you loved him. For him, it was always music. Music was his big love and you could never compete tot hat...

You wish so bad you could be happy for John, the man you truly gave your heart to, being able to finally live his dream again. But you couldn't. You just felt this cruel pain growing all the way through your body from your chest. The reason you couldn't be happy about this was simple – he had been lying to you. He kept acting like everything had still stayed the same eventhough he had joined one oft he worlds most famous bands again....and this little fact...was such a big matter to you.... Someone you love was going to replace you again...because you just aren't worthy enough...

„Jo....lene...?"John's voice – you could hear how guitly and bad he now felt – shakes you out of your thoughts that were just about to drive you insane. You look up to him from the floor and you can see a big frown on his face as you both notice these big tears rolling down your cheeks, collecting at your chin and then falling onto the white floor...and on Johns face of the rolling stones cover.

„Jolene I....I've been wanting to tell you but..." while he keeps preparing the end of his sentence you look down onto the magazine's cover again. John...he was smiling. He seemed happy. He was happy...

„No John. Im not dumb. I understand. You know...it's just..." Your voice cracks. „ I just thought we were...I wanted to..."

John takes a step closer to you, seeming to want to hug you as you put out your arms towards him,signalizing hom clearly that you wanted him to stay away.

„Jolene, you're not getting this right" Wow. Was he serious? This whole situation now was so self-explaining.

„Im not getting this right,eh? Well I don't think there's anything to get right here. Because this is wrong. This is all wrong...." You feel yourself getting weak. Weaker. Weaker.... Somehow your feet don't seem to be able to hold your body from falling down anymore. It's like you just bend and break down onto the floor. You start to cry. Loud. You just completely blend out that you and John weren't the only people around here. Well...what did it matter anyways?

You now feel two familiar hands stroking over your hair and touching your back.

„Jolene..please.Please just look at me" You try your hardest to stop crying for a second. Oh god. Looking into his eyes will be so hard right now....

You look up to Johns eyes,his face being close to yours. But somehow, you felt like he was further away from you. He wasn't there like he used to be anymore.... And even if he tried to explain things to you, it wouldn't be the same anymore. How could you trust him again after he kept such a big thing away from you? And how could you believe in him and that he cared about you when he did something like that eventhough he knew how scared you were of losing him or feeling like you were not good enough?

No...it would never been the same. The moment you realize that the most beautiful time of your life should've only lasted a couple of weeks...you feel your heart crack into pieces completely....and then...you just feel completely numb and half alive,half dead.

You look into Johns eyes again. He was waiting for you to say something...looking worried and terrified.

„I gues...this is not my place..." You feel one last tear rolling down to your chin. You get up. John trying to hold your hand to keep you beside him but you unfold your hand from his again....

Then.

You just run. You run out oft he shop. Up the hill. Not looking back. Feeling like the weight of your body is going to make your feet bend again. But still not looking back. „He's not coming after you Jolene,he's not coming after you..."

Eventhough this may not be true, you keep telling it to yourself. You just needed to tell yourself that he didn't love you so it would be easier to get over him....if...it.-....was ...even...possible. As you reach Johns house you get in by climbing over the balcony. Your chest still hurts. Youre torn appart between the wish of wanting to wait for him, let him explain things and kiss your face and wipe away your tears – but what would it change? Your trust and believe in him had been abused....

And the thought of just throwing yourself away again. Getting into bad men again that treat you bad – not only your soul...physically....getting into drugs again....and...doing other bad things.

Was this how your and Johns story was supposed to end? As the end and the beginning of the always repeating viscious circle? Really? „ pull yourself together Jolene" You think to yourself. No. You couldn't go back that way again. No. YOU.JUST.COULDN'T.

All of a sudden,full of new energy you walk into Johns sleeping room,put all your stuff together and get out your cell phone. Yes. Yes you were going to do this.

You type in of oft he numbers that were stored inside your head – forever.

„Hello?"

„Hey Rony.It's me"

„Uhmm...Jolene I'm kinda busy right now....you know the big apple..."

„Yeah"

„What's the matther though?"

„I'm coming to New York"