MY SMILE IS A RIFLE

One More of Me

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You're awakened by a soft knock on your window, you instantly get up in your bed, throw over a shirt and run tot he door, still feeling a bit dizzy.

"It's John...John is here, he came here to finally be with me. I know it's him" You think to yourself as you rush to the door. You can feel your heart beat faster and faster the closer you get to your door. You take another quick look into the mirror, fix your now very messy hair a bit and take in a very long deep breath before you open the door knowing now you'd see the man you've been thinking about nonstop the last couple of days, missing him like he was a part of you that had gone away.

You open your door slowly, wearing a big bright smile on your face.....that fades away faster than one thought it was possible for a smile to fade into a disappointed and kind of shocked frown.

The man standing in front of your door is not the man you hoped you'd see. The man standing in front of your door is not the one you've been missing for so long. The man standing in front of your door is not the one you want to kiss all over. In fact, it's Jason, your Ex.

As he catches a glimpse at your face still standing in front of your door he smiles at you brightly, handing a puny, almost decayed red rose to you. " Jolene, Babe it's so good to see you. I heard you came back from the hospital and I just wanted to come over to congratulate you....you look beautiful" You raise an eyebrow and don't know if you should just throw back the door into his face, slap him in the face or just fall down to cry because your disappointment of him standing in front of you, acting like he'd never threated you like you were completely worthless and unlovable, and not John being here instead of him was too big.

You stare at him in a doubtfully and confused way and hope the way you look at him makes him recognize that there's nothing you'd want to talk to him about. After he looks around himself for a second trying not to show you how awkward he felt about this silence between you, he just tries to stay cool and pretends he wouldn't see how annoyed you are.

"So...would you like to come to the beach with me? I mean....look Jolene I'm sorry for what happened between us. I know I threated you really bad and that I was an idiot but I realized that I need you....you're my girl...my babe... let's go for a little stroll at the sea and talk about what went wrong, so we can do better." Now your expression of confusedness turns into one of bare anger. Who the hell is he thinking he actually is? He used to beat you, tell you you're completely worthless, even made jokes about your scars and how ugly you looked with them on your body.

"Jason are so serious? Are you fucking serious? You come here to try to make me go for a FUCKING stroll at the beach, acting like you never left blue bruises an my arms and legs, never called me a worthless bitch, never told me I'd never find another person who loves me cause these scars are so ugly?"

As Jason realizes you definitely were rejecting him his face took on the expression you were used to. His eyes widened and he started to bite his teeth. Remembering this expression, like it was an instinct to screw up your eyes and get ready to feel his hand smash into your face. But instead he just stood in front of you, raising his voice and screaming

" Yeah...you little bitch. I was so damn right. You'll never find someone again. All they ever do is screw you because you're stupid enough to think that makes them love you....you stupid naïve little puppet"

Then Jason turns around, knowing exactly how much his words hurt you.

For one more second you stand there in disbelieve about what just had happened. You just stand there looking into nowhere and feeling the tears run down your cheeks and you're not able to move in shock of what his simple words were doing to you. You feel yourself fall back. Back to the days before you had met John. Before there was a reason for you to get better. Before you knew there was actually someone loving you because you were who you are...ignoring your scarred body.

And now, it felt like all was gone. All these memories of John. Jason was right, no one was ever going to love you. John just left you. If he would still be thinking of you, why hadn't you heard anything of him the last couple of days when it was already November and he said he'd be back in October? He forgot about you. You were just one of this girls he spent time with to keep himself entertained. He probably had checked out of Cedars-Sinai a couple of weeks ago and just simply thought by checking out he was already ending your relationship...though to him it probably was just a short affair to keep him entertained.

You slowly close the door behind you and feel yourself fall down on your knees. Just as you are ready to burst into tears something inside you tells you to stop. Something inside you doesn't want you to start again where you'd never want to return to again. Something inside you....or someone.... Was talking to you. You could hear this beautiful man's voice inside your head Cleary:

Don't give up Jolene. You can make it. You know you are lovable. You know you are beautiful. Don't let these shadows someone is blowing into your world let get in front of your sun...because it's shining!

Just like it was an instinct inside of you, you get up again, throw over a light jacket and leave the house. No tears to wipe away, no scars to hide. You just want to get out and breathe in live again. "I'm so done with this part of me that always cries about everything. I'm so done with it" you keep saying to yourself as you catch a bus to make it to the beach.

As you reach your station you step out of the bus, walking straight towards the sea. The sun was about to set and you close your eyes and breathe in the clear sea air for a second, loving the fact that you simply made it to come down here without even thinking about doing something bad to you again.

As you reach the beach you take off your shoes to feel the dry sand underneath your feet and look for a nice place to sit down at.

You take a sit right inform of the sea, almost reaching your feet. It's almost a miracle, but you feel alright. You're not angry or hurt about Jason throwing these hurtful words at you.He was your Ex. He didn't have the right anymore to play an important role in your life and so you decide just to wipe these words and his memory out of your brain....finally.

But... there was something he said that you just couldn't forget. " You'll never find someone again" Hadn't you found someone? Wasn't John the one who gave you the feeling you really were loved? Was it all an illusion?

You take a deep breath as you let yourself fall down in the sand, this time you're fighting with your tears again. It was not this deep desperation and sadness that made you want to cry....it was... it was just that you really missed John and were afraid he actually really didn't want you anymore and really simply forgot about you.

Just as you are about to fall into these thoughts in too deep you hear a soft and familiar voice quietly saying your name " Jolene..?" You get up and turn around. As you see who's standing right in front of you, his long brown hair waving through the soft wind, his yellow shiny blouse making you fall into a feeling of deep nostalgia for a little second and his warm, honest smile, you really burst into tears. Tears of happiness.

"John...you...how...you're here!" You slowly walk towards him as he grabs your hand, pulling you towards him so you fall directly into his arms. Before you can say anything else you feel his soft lips touching yours and you end up kissing for a long, passionate moment, feeling the sea air waving through your hair and the tears roll over onto John's hands that were gently holding your face.