More than bestfriend

Chapter 17

So close yet so far

Have you ever so close to that person but somehow still feel very distant with them? That is what im experiencing with New right now. I spend my time almost everyday with him but i still feel very far and sometimes, i feel like he's trying to stay away from me. Is it me or am i overthinking too much? There are days when he's been spending a lot of his time with his phones lately and when i asked him who is he talking to, he would change the topic but there are also days when he gets too clingy with me and want to follow me everywhere i go.

Ugh! Im so frustrated, i dont know what is he trying to do. Deep down, my heart is telling me that he's talking to someone else but i refuse to believe it, but with the way that he's acting right now, it might probably be true. Even if he is talking to other people, who am i to stop him? I don't even own him. Im just his bestfriend.

I remembered a few years ago, how much it hurts seeing him with someone else and now, it looks like im about to experience it again. Im not ready. My heart is not ready. Am i a fool for him? I still remember our kiss very dearly during the new year, does it mean nothing to him? It was very special to me that the moment has been imprinted deeply in my brain.

"Tay, have you seen my shoes?" I was snapped out of my thoughts with the question from New.

I just shook my head, too tired to speak, im tired from my thoughts and our concert practice is draining me. We were currently in a studio room, taking a break from our dance practice. Our concert is two days away and we have to practice real hard right now. I wanted to do my best for the fans who came to see us. These days, i keep on overthinking, im scared that i will screw up on stage since im not really good at dancing, i even got myself a vocal trainer to help me sing better. Even with all of the practice and efforts I've been making, i still feel that i am not doing good enough for the fans. I want to tell New about my worries but i feel so far away from him now.

Suddenly there was a light punch on my shoulder, distrupting me from my thoughts again. It was New, he was trying to get attention from me.

"Why do you look so lifeless?" He asked me while laughing

How can i not be lifeless when you are treating me like this? One minute you want me, one minute you dont.

"Im just tired" i said, smiling tiredly at him

He then suddenly went behind the chair that I've been sitting on and start massaging my shoulder. His soft massage was very relaxing, my tense muscle started to loosen up. I wanted to tell him that my mind is tired too and see what he's gonna do about it.

I closed my eyes and leaned my head on his stomach. He continued massaging me silently. One minute he would massage me on the shoulder and another minute he would massage my temple. I just keep quite, enjoying the feeling of him taking care of me before he starts distancing him self from me like what he's been doing this past few days.

"I know you're worried" he said softly, i didn't reply

"I've seen you practicing so hard, you should relax too sometimes" he continued

"You'll be fine, dont worry na nong Tay" he said playfully while chuckling

I just laugh at the nickname he gave me

We were silent again for a moment. He was still massaging me untill he suddenly  turn my head softly towards him. Our eyes met each other and he smiled softly at me

"Really, dont worry, even if you think you're bad, you're always the best in my eyes"

And with that he left me with my heart blooming, saying that he still needs to find his shoes.

I was momentarily stunned. I didn't even got a chance to reply his words. I leaned back onto my chair and for the first time, i actually feel relaxed, my mind was blank and my shoulder feels so light. I was smiling secretly at his words. All the hurt that i felt because of his ignorance these past few days suddenly goes numb.

Why?

He told me i am the best in his eyes

~

NEWWIE

I've been ignoring Tay for the past few days. Everytime he asked me to eat with him, i would decline him saying that i have other things to do, when in fact, i went to eat with Cherry. I feel so guilty with him but i am trying to figure out my feelings. These past few days i have been restless. I tried to ignore Tay but in the end i find my self being clingy back at him. I was sick during our entire practice and Tay is the one who's been taking care of me despite the cold treatments that I've been giving him this past few days.

To be honest, I don't know my feelings right now. It's a mess. I don't understand why am i feeling like this with my bestfriend. I figured out that i was just feeling lonely so i tried talking to Cherry but i feel even more worse. It's not that Cherry is a bad company but it just doesn't feel right.

Cherry was a pretty girl with a bright personality, people would fall in love with her at instance and the reason that we started talking is because she just broke up with her long term boyfriend and was trying to find comfort in me. I was quite proud that a pretty girl from my college made the first move to approach me but that was it. I couldn't feel anything special with her. Maybe if i tried talking to her longer, i would. But right now i feel nothing. I tried viewing her as more than friend but Tay came to my mind and i viewed my self spending my future with him. I was really scared at my own thoughts.

It shouldn't be like this. We shouldn't be like this.

This confusing emotions started after our kiss during the New year. I was confused with my self but i liked the kiss. I liked how he kissed me that night. Is that weird? I've never heard of best friend kissing each other even if they are super close. So what kind of bestfriend are we?

I was straight this whole time so why am i feeling like this towards him out of sudden? My feelings became even more confusing when i get jealous at the new friends he makes everytime he goes to parties, events and shootings. I know I've been jealous before this as well but this time i am even more jealous. I'm actually scared of being replaced by his new friends.

I don't want him to replace me yet here i am ignoring him. What kind of bestfriend am i?

Other times i wonder, who would Tay date in the future. Who would his first girlfriend be in the future. Who would be the first person to have an honor to be his first lover, i already took his first kiss so i think that's an honor.

But the more i think of it, the more ache i feel in my heart. If he have a girlfriend, he wouldn't have time to take care of me anymore, he wouldn't have time to pick up my calls anymore, he wouldn't have time to randomly go on a night drive with me anymore, he would do all that to his girlfriend....and somehow i feel hurt. I want him to stay this way. To stay being the caring Tay who always take care of me.

The thoughts of Tay doing all this to me warms my heart and i was back at being confused with my feelings.

I know i shouldn't do this. I was hurting two person at once just for the sake of figuring out my feelings. I was hurting Cherry for my uncertainty with her and i was hurting Tay for my ignorance with him.

What am i doing?

Im so confused

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Hey guys, how r yall hahaha i miss writing so I took a break from studying today and tadaa here's a new chapter, i honestly miss writing ahhshaah btw yall r so cute i logged in into my account back and saw so many comments and votes from yall hehe luv u 💕