Goodbye Henry

Lu

April 23rd.
Henry's funeral. I guess it's obvious. Henry wasn't found. I mean he was, but not in a good way. Henry was found dead on April 16th. I remember finding out. Henry's foster parents knocked on the door. Everything seemed to be in slow motion. The movement of their mouths and the tears on their cheeks. I barely even heard what they said but I knew the message. Henry was dead.

Or maybe now as I write this i should say, Henry is dead. He's been dead for 4 years. I hate that my last words spoken to him were goodbye. I wish if I could go back, so desperately, what I would do. I would of never said goodbye, maybe even let him stay the night, or hugged him longer than usual, face the questioning of what's wrong for "I never usually do that" or maybe just tell him how amazing he was. Henry was amazing. Henry Rogers was amazing. I wished everyone could meet Henry. He was destined to go places, to see the world, to travel with me and complain with me. I hated that I had to let go. I had to let go of what truly mattered to me.

Truth is though, No matter how hard we try or how much we want it, some stories just don't have a happy ending.

I listened to voice memos and videos with Henry in them, for the first few weeks anyway. I wasn't ready to go back to school and face that I would be alone for the next 4 months without him. I hated sitting in math with his stupid empty chair next to me, waiting in E block for no one to actually come. Our usual seat being used by someone else because why run for it alone? This was the true pain. When I was little, about 3, my father moved away, he left. My therapist asked me, as a 7 year old to scale my pain, I said an 9. I was 7 of course but I was saving my 10. This is my 10. Loosing the person I had seen everyday, spent 10 hours or more a day with and the person who knew undeniable everything about me.

I had one of his shirts that I hung away from my clothes. I loved his smell. Sounds weird but I do. It was all I had. I couldn't look at old videos forever. His voice would of changed and those videos start to become so far in the past it would be better to look back on with him so we can reminisce the memories. They stopped becoming ways of holding on but instead ways of letting go. Soon enough any tiny thing I would of held Onto fell away and I was only left with the shirt, which the scent was barely clinging to anymore. I admit I've never moved on from Henry. I think he could of lived an amazing life, made an amazing impact.

Unfortunately though, none of those things saw the life of Henry Rogers, because Henry Rogers is dead. The words don't become any less true, only less painful. As time passes the pain of those words fade and it starts to become normal. It will never be the same and there's always off times that I forget. Maybe calling his old phone and ending it knowing I won't get an answer. I have once called and called until it reaches voicemail, maybe a Chance it answers.

After all they never recovered the phone.