Goodbye Henry

Short of breath

I sat in the first row of seats. Breathe. I looked at my hands and realised I was fiddling with my clutch. I kept flicking the buckle holding it together. My mother sat next to me her head hung low, she wore her knee length black dress paired with a small mesh hat. I hated the darkness of this place. The grief was everywhere. Inescapable. Henry's Casket on a platform all alone. I wished I could run and hug him, tell him he'll be okay. I couldn't. I had to stay composed. I looked to his parents sat across from us. His Forster parents sat in solemn black and his foster mother holding a handkerchief to her eyes. His foster father looked in deep thought. His usual expression as a cold man.

This was awful. My tight dress barley let me breathe, I knew what Henry would say if he were here.
"You look ridiculous" he'd chuckle while studying me head to toe.
"I know" I'd groan.
I smiled to myself before realising I imagined that. Henry was in the casket just ahead of me. Lying in peace. Funerals suck. They are made for many people to gather and say their goodbyes, though many attend for compulsory reasons and really say goodbye in their own time. I attended to try and heal myself, to be there for Henry like he was everyday for me. It didn't work, I saw the wooden box and knew he was in there alone. It hurt.

Henry Rogers was perfect. How can a perfect life just be gone? So fast too. I felt like I couldn't breathe. I felt the anxiety kick in and everything started fading. Henry can't be gone. Seemingly although i sat here it still felt like he wasn't gone yet. Like he was still here but just not home. Even staring at the box which is the fate we all reach eventually didn't kick it in. A few mumbled condolences were passed around attendees which broke this deadly silence. I blinked away from where Henry lay. It was time to leave this small church. I didn't move. My mum gestured to my arm to edge me out my seat but I remained. I couldn't leave. I couldn't walk out of here leaving Henry knowing it was the end.

More tears streamed down my face. This time i didn't wipe them away. I couldn't stand and walk away from him now. My mother hesitated with me. Several families and friends fled out of the building but I still remained. How could I be expected to leave so obediently?

I breathed. The walls felt as if they were closing in on me. My mum day next to me again. She patted my knee in comfort, it didn't do much. The church was empty now, everyone had fled out and we just looked forward in silence. The table in which Henry had just lay was now bare as ever. Several workers strode in but soon retreated as our eyes darted to their entrance.

Every second sucked. The stupid soft music which Henry was carried into and the next song he left by. All of it sucked. The flowers tied to the rows end with the specs of green which matched his gleaming eyes or the ornaments on the stage. The part which sucked the most was the picture. The large picture at the front to show who we were remembering. I had to sit and look at his perfect face and smile to only realise I'll only see his face in photos or videos for the rest of my life, I will never see that face in real life ever again. I will never touch his face again or anything close to that. The picture remained looking at me. His smile captured perfectly and his eyes gleaming brighter than ever. I remember that day. Family and friends gathering, all having food and movies and laughs. That night felt like yesterday and it was weeks ago. That memory burned in my brain like fire.

I couldn't move my eyes away from the photo. How can that perfect face only be stuck on a canvas and not right in front of me. How can he never stand in front of me again or lean on my door with his hands in his pockets like always. I just sighed at how stupid this all was. I couldn't let Henry go. How can I live like he's only a past fragment of memory, I had no other choice of course but I wish I did. I could wish for anything and I'd wish for Henry.

I'd always wish for Henry, Henry was my everything how could I want anything more?