Holding back

'sometimes it's just the easiest thing to do...'

I rushed around the house making sure everything was tidy and in its place before heading out into the garden. The house was kind of hard to keep clean, especially since Olga retired. I almost thought of calling her, to see if she was free to help, just today. But then I thought against the idea. Crazy. Wedding. Mode. Olga. I'll pass! I just wanted it to be spotless for Angie, I had a lot of making up to do.

I placed two plates on the table outside before rushing into the kitchen to pull the lasagne out of the oven. I didn't know if Angie liked lasagna but it's all I knew how to cook.

I sent Angie a text, asking her to meet me at the house at 5. It's 4:45. Violetta has gone to Frans for tea. Or is her name Cami? I don't know, but either way it means it's just me and Angie. That made me somewhat nervous.

I placed the lasagne on the table outside and admired my work. I must say, I am proud! I never cook meals from scratch!

I sat down at the table and waited for Angie to arrive. I told her to meet me on the garden, so there was no need for me to go inside. I looked at my clock. 4:56. Was she going to show, or was I just kidding myself?

I tried to distract myself by doing some work, so I picked up my tablet, couldn't stop thinking about Angie, and put it back down again.

Exactly 5:00. I sat patiently waiting, worrying that the food was going cold. Cold lasagne isn't exactly the nicest thing to eat. Eating my cooking when it's warm is bad enough!

5:05. She was late. Was she late, or was she just not going to turn up? I sighed impatiently and picked up the plates to take them to the kitchen.

I was walking into the house when I noticed a small bag on the dining room table. I'm pretty sure it's not Violetta's.

"I got it in a sale once. Feel free to borrow it any time you like." Said Angie, appearing from the kitchen.

I got confused for a second before realising that I was stood inspecting her bag. "It's a great bag..." I said awkwardly, unaware of where I stood with Angie.

"Need help with that?" She asked softly, looking at the plates in my hand.

"No, it's fine." I said as I walked back out onto the garden and placed the plates back down. Angie followed me out onto the garden and I gestured for her to sit across from me.

"I didn't think you were going to come." I admitted.

"Is that why you were about to throw two perfectly good plates of lasagne away?" She asked as she sat down.

She looked at me for a second before continuing. "I'm here, German. What do you want?"

"I want to explain. I want to explain over dinner." I said, passing her a fork.

Angie looked over at me before taking it from my hands and moving her food round her plate.

"What is there to explain?" she questioned. "I get it."

"No, you don't." I said stubbornly.

"Then explain."

"I will."

I took a few seconds to think of what to say because I didn't want to mess this up.

"Look, the truth is, I was worried. I remember going into your room and seeing how trashed it was, you were so unhappy and wouldn't tell me why. I thought that because Pablo is your best friend, he's know what's going on and probably be able to help me figure you out. But he didn't know anything either. Then, he mentioned his engagement party and gave me an invitation, he wanted me to try and get you to go, because he misses you." I said calmly, hoping that she'd believe me.

Angie sighed deeply before finally looking up at me. "I'm sorry. I am. I realise that I over reacted and I know you're telling me the truth because when I left here I went straight to Pablo's and he told me the same thing. But thinking that two people I care about were talking about me upset me." She paused for a minute. "It made me feel like I was... Not important to you. It made me feel like I was... Like I was back in France." She muttered quietly, looking back down at her plate.

It made her feel like she was back in France. There it is again. France. Whenever she mentions France, it's always something negative. Always.

"What do you mean?" I asked softly, trying to sound as inviting as I could.

"I mean... I... It's nothing." she replied, clearly not wanting to talk about it, so I naturally changed the subject. We were just starting to talk again and I didn't want to push it by asking her about something that is clearly really personal to her.

"Angie, do you forgive me?" I asked pleadingly.

She looked at me for a minute before nodding. "I guess I did overreact and not let you explain yourself. I just got a little bit... what's the word?" she looked over at me like she was expecting me to fill in the blanks, but I didn't know what to say, so I just shrugged my shoulders.

"Defensive?" she finally said. "is that the right word to use? I don't know."

Angie had always been defensive, I guess. I remember when she first became Vilu's tutor, she would deny that anything was going on between us and get so defensive whenever I questioned her about "us." I get the feeling there will never be an us. She denied her feelings for me and when she finally admitted how she felt, I turned her away. Like the idiot I am.

I must have been quiet for a long time because when I looked up Angie was looking at me.

"What is it?" she questioned.

"Oh, it's nothing. I was just thinking." I replied, without giving too much away.

"Thinking about what?" She questioned again.

"Just how I messed things up between us." I admitted. Which surprised myself, it's not like me to admit such personal things.

Angie sighed and shook her head. "German, that's a thing of the past. Besides, there was never an "us"."

She was right. There was never an "us." We were never a "thing."

"I know, I know. I mean, I just... What I did was unforgivable. I let you get close to Jeremias. I shouldn't have done that, I should've come clean. In fact, I should have never became Jeremias. It was wrong." I don't know why I was saying all this to Angie but once I started I just couldn't stop. Besides, I felt that I needed to explain myself to her.

"German, it's okay. I see why you did it. You did it for Vilu, you didn't do it for me." Angie was being surprisingly understanding about the whole situation. It didn't seem to bother her anymore. Was she over it all? Was she over us?

Thinking back, I did actually do it for Angie. Mostly I did it for Vilu, yes, but part of me was upset that I had drifted so far away from Angie, so once she took an interest in Jeremias, I couldn't come clean. I wanted her company, but I couldn't get that company as German, because we weren't talking properly.

"But I know now that lying, and hiding the truth is wrong. I learnt my lesson." I really wanted her to know that I was done with all the lies.

"I don't think that hiding the truth is always wrong..." She mumbled, without looking at me.

"... You don't?" I asked curiously. Was she trying to tell me that she's hiding something from me?

"I don't." She said, still not looking at me.

"Why is that?" I asked, growing more curious by the second.

"Well... There's several reasons... I mean... Hiding the truth can protect peoples feeling sometimes... I don't know, sometimes it's just the easiest thing to do..."

[I feel like I rushed this a little bit, but I'm really eager to update this little chapter so I can move on to the next chapter. If that even makes sense?]