Holding back

Drowning

I haven't seen Angie in at least a fortnight now. She won't answer my calls, she won't even come to the house to see Vilu. I've called at her house, but she won't answer the door. It's like someone's flicked a switch in Angie's mind. One minute she's fine with me, and now she won't see me?

I sat in the office watching the clock tick. 11:56. 11:57. Only a minute had past, but it felt like a life time. Every minute I spent without Angie felt like a life time.

I needed to see her.

I had to see her.

I love her.

Without another thought, I grabbed my car keys and headed out the door.

***

Just take a deep breath, German. I told myself as I approached Angie's door.

I slowly stepped forward and knocked on the door. After a few seconds the door slowly opened. I glanced at Angie and she looked shattered. Before I knew what was happening, Angie was starting to close the door. I quickly wedge my foot between the door and the frame.

"Please, just listen to me. I'm not going until I've said what I've got to say." I pleaded.

She sighed while reluctantly letting go of the door.

"Thank you." I sighed as I walked through the door. I took a glance around at Angie's place and it was nothing liked I'd imagined. Empty pizza boxes were left on the table, empty bottles just stood on the floor, the curtains were shut, showing no signs of daylight in her house.

I looked back at Angie and the visible bags that sat just under her eyes. She was in need of some serious sleep.

"It's a...erm... nice place you got here..." I lied.

"What do you want, German." She sharply replied.

"I want to help you."

"It's a bit late for that." She snorted.

"So how are you?" I asked, ignoring her smart remark.

"I'm great, German. Just great." she replied sarcastically. She let out a little laugh before shaking her head. "I mean, I'm fine. Why wouldn't I be. It's not like I have anything to be sad about." She rambled on as tears started to form in her eyes.

I don't know what came over me, but I just went over to her and hugged her. I hugged her so tightly. I hugged her so close to me, afraid that if I didn't, she would disappear. I hugged her hard, because I could tell she needed it.

Angie responded to my hug and wrapped her arms around my neck before crying. Crying hard. Crying more than I'd ever seen her cry before. Slowly, we fell. We slid down the wall with her still wrapped around my neck. I sat my back against the wall and carefully pulled her into my lap while she apologised over and over again. we stayed like this for some time. Neither of us spoke, just the sound of Angie crying substituted for the sound of our voices.

I occasionally kissed her forehead, rocked her back and forth, stroked her hand or just held her. After all this time, I think I finally understood. I finally understood her behaviour. She just hadn't grieved for the loss of her baby. She had so much going on, it seems she forgot to grieve.

"It's all my fault." She finally sniffed, before looking up at me.

"What?" I whispered.

"I was so stressed, German. I knew the stress wasn't good for the baby, but I couldn't stop." She started to cry again.

I pulled her back into me and she rested her head on my shoulder. I could feel her heavy breathes crashing against the bare skin on my neck.

"Don't. Don't blame yourself. Please. Please don't." I hushed. "These things happen, okay?"

Angie just sniffled in response.

"Okay?" I repeated.

I felt Angie's head slowly move on my shoulder. I looked down at her and she was nodding.

"Repeat after me." I said as I lifted her head with my finger so she was looking directly at me. "This is not my fault."

Angie tried to look away, but I carefully put both my hands on her cheeks and leaned my forehead against hers. "This is not my fault." I repeated. "Say it."

"This is not my fault." She whispered with her eyes closed, her voice was sounding hoarse from all the crying.

After a few minutes of silence, Angie started to talk again. "That was my one shot at happiness and now it's gone." She whimpered.

"You're young, Angie. It's not your only shot at happiness, okay?" I tried to explain.

Angie laughed, "I'm not that young. I mean, all my friends are married, or have kids or at least have a partner. Even Pablo." Angie fidgeted in my lap a little bit before yawning.

"Angie, you're beautiful, funny, talented and any guy would be lucky to have a family with you. There's guys out there who would kill for a girl like you." I replied, repeatedly stroking her hair to try and sooth her.

"Then why doesn't anybody want me? First you didn't want me, then Michael."

Wrong. You're wrong. I want you. I need you.

"What?" I spat out.

"Oh, come on, German. I made it perfectly clear that I liked you and you just ignored me." I did? I did.

"Angie... I-"

"It's alright, no worries. I get it. I mean, I'm María's sister. I understand why you did what you did."

I didn't know what to say to her, there were only three words I wanted to tell her...

"Angie, I love you." I blurted out.

Angie shot her head up and look at me. "What?"

"I do. I always have. No matter how hard I try to forget you, I can't." I finally admitted. I felt like a weight had been lifted off my shoulders.

Angie tilted her head a little, and looked at me, like she was trying to figure out if I was lying or telling the truth.

"I'm not lying, Angie." I tried to reassure her.

Angie didn't say anything. She just leaned in even closer. As she got closer, she closed her eyes. I closed my eyes too. Then, her lips crashed against mine, like the waves crash against the shore. My heart was beating so fast, maybe she could hear it. I was drowning in Angie's love and I didn't want to be saved. I wanted to drown in her love.