An Author's Lament

Chapter Two: Struggles

I am not indifferent to the struggles and hardships in life, just as a wise man does not know everything about the universe. It would be cruel for me to say I share the same hardships of someone who has lost a loved one, or a similar caliber, when I have not. Everyone has something that they push against, even I. The smallest things to some people mean a big deal to others, and vice versa. In this manner, I too, fight to see the rays of light each day.

Now, for those of you wondering what I have that blocks my path, do not have high expectations, as They will not seem that big of a deal.

First bought: Anxiety and Hyper Active Imagination. As a writer, this is extremely helpful. As a student, a friend, a daughter, and a Partner; it is not. As a student, I tend to drift off. Unless some assignment or project catches my eye, I tend to forget about it. Anxiety is brought through report cards, where lying (hyper imagination again) is done. It isn't very pleasant, but my mind doesn't know how to work other ways anymore. It changed from a 4.0 student to not caring around sixth grade. But those are the things you all do not need to know yet.

As a friend, I tend to be closed off. My mind isn't as one track as I'd like it to be, and it is difficult to interact with people I don't know. It's very simple to talk to my best friend, as he knows what I think about and how I work. However, to a new person, I am bubbly one minute, silent the next, dreaming and slipping into depression the next; and to a normal person, I am the uptime of Bipolar. I will admit to having looked up Bipolar disorders and symptoms in the past, I've never been diagnosed nor have I considered it to be a leading factor of my life.

As daughter it becomes much more difficult to manage. As a daughter, I am expected to be at my mother's beckon-call and to know what to do in any event. I am supposed to react on a dime. But I start to dream as I work, forgetting my to-do list and losing rationality. I can practically hear readers thoughts about me being odd and how day dreaming is not a real issue. It becomes an issue with anxiety, since you imagine ever single scenario in your life that could go wrong. It is more of an issue, when you also taking into account that the extent of me getting out of my house is art class at a coffee shop I am a regular at and school.

The last part of this, being a Girlfriend, is more complicated. Anxiety, as everyone knows, can make ones life hell. My imagination doesn't let me deal with my anxiety agreeably. Instead, it takes the anxious thoughts and evolves them. One after another. My mind is in pure chaos anytime it isn't occupied by events happening in the now. Often times, events of the previous day will come back and haunt me during my alone time with my Boyfriend. I do not blame him for not knowing how my day was at the time, Not in the slightest. He is very patient about it. There have been times where I have become depressed and anxious and each time he works hard to make sure I feel better by the end of our time together. This leads into my final segment but I am not there yet.

Next is separation.

My father and mother split when I was about four. My sister has no recollection of them being together, nor the hurt that rippled through both of them. My father moved on soon after, marring a woman who changed the moment my step sister was born. My father has not been the same man. Whether it be out of fear of his new wife, or happiness in his new family.

My mother, however, got back up and worked her way through the pain. Her best friend became her significant other. She got the dog she had always wanted. She had two daughters that she could love.

My father has had two children, and another due soon after this chapter goes live, with his current wife. I love my step sisters to pieces. He is tired, but enjoys his life.

While there were bumps, everything was okay. Ten years of long nights, driving down the 99, three hours on Friday and another three on Sunday. My sister and I endured much and kept to ourselves, suffering quietly while the adults talked in a Carl's Jr. parking lot in Fresno.