AJ's Poetry Book

What is love...

{BY: 666_Fallen_Angel_666, and I.} { Bolded letters are switching P.O.V's }

These battle scars,
I hide on my arms,
Still waiting for someone to save me...

*No longer will you wait,
I make your scars disappear,
and save you from this pain*

I stay hidden,
Locked away by the shackles of fear,
Held prisoner by the lies of those I used to hold dear,
Can only protect myself in this prison, with the lies behind my eyes truth be told with stuck inside my mind,
Hidden in these prison known as the four walls that I hide in my mind stuck with the lies of those I used to hold dear.
Broken trust is what created the demons on either side of my heart delete these walls up you turning me into My Own Prison guard locking Myself Away becoming the very thing that I hated,
These thoughts breaking my very being down how can I live being stuck not making a sound...
Been broken down since I was young,
learn not to say what I thought in order to keep me alive,
well, that is emotionally even though the one I was supposed to trust left me broken and alone and taught me I should never trust anyone,
since I was 4,
I had decided to let my guard down since the third grade thinking that anything my father says should not be taking to Heart.
Then I learned that I should have listened,
Those fake friends that I created in the third grade stabbed me in the back and the fifth grade, learned I should not trust even my closest friends,
I started to put the missing pieces together turn my life into its own little puzzle piece,
That is the one thing that my father taught me that I could actually use in my life that wasn't considered abuse,
Oh wait, the only reason why I found that out was because of the abuse.
Sixth grade I became a new person,
becoming more optimistic thinking that because my father wasn't in the picture and I had a new stepdad.
Things would be great,
Little did I know I was wrong,
made friends they betrayed me again,
I guess it's a cycle,
A desperate cry for help I scream and I scream,
hoping that someone can hear me,
Do you really think that you could fix me?

*Held prisoner, no longer you will be...
I'll fight those demons, you'll be safe with me,
I hear your cries and see your tears,
I'll make sure that forever your pain will disappear
Those fake friends you held so close,
and the father you once had was such a joke.
You're an Angel in my eyes, you'll be untouchable and I'll keep you alive*

I'm just being so tired of my pillow being a tissue for my tears,
I'm tired of past feelings keep rising and rising from memories of those who used to call me names breaking me down inside my brain,
Oh wait,
not to mention I have to deal with that at home too.
I have a younger brother, she gives in to the name-calling I have to do with being called a white bitch every day, sometimes even a whore, and it was at one time where I was told to kill myself in the 7th grade.
These memories, they seem to go by,
I hate feeling useless by feeling so alone I've been excluded and held back from the things that I should have owned,
I told White Lies saying that I'm fine even though it's clear to see that I'm the opposite,
Been holding in this pain for so long did not know put it out in poem or song,
Fast forward to yesterday when one of my friends said that I was putting on my emotions on them when I was just venting because I did not feel okay.
I am a different person,
Don't feel very alive but don't feel dead either,
Things have usually landed badly for me when it came to stuff like love so I guess when it comes to this it's like a cat trying to jump in freezing water or someone who is Afraid of the Dark walking through that dark passage hoping to find a way out.
Sometimes I even feel alone when I am surrounded by people.
After all these years of torture and pain, I have become a single person walking on that straight line of trying to be perfection.
I sent to beat myself up over simple things like,
I cannot write a simple equation in math.
I study until my brain hurts,
hoping that I can work my way up to be the best of the best,
trying so hard so that way I can finally be proud of what I am.
I have become the greatest judge, greater than the ones who seem to judge me while I was walking down the hall,
Even though I have become a stronger person emotionally and mentally there is always a theater that I will break down and the tumble down the hill,
like Jack and Jill where instead of I break my crown,
I break myself emotionally and I cannot climb back up,
I'm still hoping that the ladder of love will stay up,
Because what I have gone through in the past has made me be fearful of happiness,
Because whenever I seem to get happy something bad would happen,
I'm just there...
I used to think that God want me to suffer,
But I'm hoping that things will get better,
I'm just tired that whenever I tell my friends something and makes me seem like a hypocrite,
I'm just tired of the fact that my past still ties me down more not even makes my body tingle like a rope around my neck tied like a noose,
I don't want my body to be hanging loose,
So I have been trying to stand up and walk that staircase,
Hoping that I can be happy by bringing my grades up,
Because there's always that fear that emotionally I will never be up there.
My maturity level has always been high so I guess that's why you never made friends that were my own age or the only friends I made were more mature,
I seem to be like a gust of wind that goes past the crowd unnoticed,
I swear I don't ask for it that much attention there's not really much to make me happy,
And maybe I'm just settings such high goals for myself that I cannot think about the now,
what am I going to do today that will make me a better person,
I've started to lose interest in the things that I love most,
Like music and writing,
I tend to walk around the halls singing that no one notice me so I guess I'm like a ghost,
I'm different,
And I've been feeling happier,
But that makes me scared of the future and what's going to happen,
How can I be so sure that this will last and I won't be broken like shattered glass?

*I know how it feels to be broken down, trying to build yourself back up but don't know how.
Feeling numb, feeling as though you're not alive,
no soul no happiness, nothing inside at all.
The words of others that try to hurt you, are lies in my eyes.
You're perfect to me, I will never intend to make you cry.
You shouldn't talk bad about yourself cause you're absolutely perfect to me, you're not useless,
I'll be with you forever you'll never be alone.
You don't have to hide your pain.
Forever I'll be your diary, your secrets I'll always hold.
Love has hurt me too but my love won't hurt you at all*

So, I will be broken and bent,
but we'll get through this together,
For love is a bond that lasts forever...