Studs and Stilettos

Lesson 18 - plumbers in pink can leave a big stink

Monday morning and Anneliese's packet of worms is just the beginning.

My priority today, apart from educating young gentlemen in chemical bonding, rates of reaction and the creation of noxious cocktails is to avoid Anneliese. I have left her package, at home, at the back of the pantry inside an obsolete tin of old cream crackers until Pippa, Brutus and I can figure out how best we can make use of its contents.

However, there's more trouble afoot for me the second I walk into the Chemistry prep room and my feet hit several inches of cold murky water. Bill and Brian standing ankle deep in swirling gravy are being lectured to by Mottrus the caretaker.

Mottrus is wearing rubber waders and is holding a large spanner. As soon as I open the door two and a half pairs of eyes hit me (one of Bill's has wandered off around the ceiling) and the sinking feeling in my gut is just a forewarning that this is somehow my fault.

'Ah, here she is – let's ask her.'

Brian sloshes over towards me. 'What exactly happened in here last Friday, Camilla. We left you with some bizarre Polish woman. Didn't you say she was a plumber come to fix a leak?'

'Err...well...I...'

'She's made a bloody mess here.' Bill adds unnecessarily. 'There wasn't any leak before she started poking round in our drains. Now look at this place. Swimming in stuff and it's probably poisonous. Lawd knows what was hanging round in those drains.'

Mottrus starts. 'I never knew there was no leak in here. It's my job to do leaks. Why wasnt I informed. I trained as a plumber once – long time ago it was. Never got registered. That would have cost a couple of grand and I was just a young un with a few kids at the time. Couldn't afford it. If I had, I would've been able to do leaks – and gas work. Mind you gas is dodgy. You need to be registered for that too. I did electrics. Not registered though. Too expensive. I could do them at a pinch but they wouldn't be guaranteed see. Health and safety. Know what I mean? It's all health and safety...'

'Got to go. Assembly.'

I grab my rather moist books and create a mini tsunami with the door. There is nothing I can do in there. Brutus must have done something rather too ambitious with the stopcock. Don't ask me, I wouldn't know a cock from a hen.

I go and find a nice quiet classroom and for the first time since Friday, think about my lessons. Today it's the usual mix of Year 7 making salts, Year 8 boiling up red cabbage to make indicators and dread of dread, Year 13 big buggers who know more Chemistry than me.

The door bursts open and Charlie's head appears.

'Great! I've found you. Staff meeting today at break. Absolutely vital that everyone attends. Can you pass the word around?'

'Of course. Oh – by the way, have you seen Anneliese this morning?'

'Ah!' Charlie puts up a finger. 'Good point. Must remember to mention that to everyone. Anneliese is off. She's got swine flu. Don't know whether McCloudy will shut the school or not but we better forewarn everyone. That could be what the meeting is all about.'

The head disappears.

So, the old sow has got a nasty little piggy bug. Serve her right....but she must be properly ill not to come in today. She was very insistent that I give her her package this morning.

The staff room is packed. Every single member of staff has been pulled in from every department and office in the school. I stand inconspicuously at the back and between the bobbling heads and dusty tweed jackets I spot the canteen ladies in their white aprons and checkered trousers, the curvaceous matron with red striped hair and pink lipgloss looking like a kissogram in her overly short dark blue uniform and fishnet stockings. Mottram's wearing a paint spattered t shirt and a caretakers scowl; the three groundmen sprinkled with grass clippings are rubbing shoulders with the guest of honour, Edwin Huxley Hartburn (representing the prefects) who is trying to keep his immaculate blazer away from the polluting influence of the gardeners.