Studs and Stilettos

Lesson 27 - revenge is sweet.

Derek doesn't move. His face is ashen.

'Is he dead?'

'I hope so.' Layla struggles out from under the inert body, straightens her wiry hair and kicks her husband hard right where it would hurt if he was conscious enough to feel severe pain.

'Ooooooooh ouch!' Brutus and Charlie, eyes closed automatically clutch their man parts in response to the phantom pain. 'Talk about kicking a man when he's down.'

'He's out cold but he's still breathing.' I can see the slight rise and fall of Derek's rib cage.

'So you heard the whole thing?' Layla and I stand together, arms folded, as if we are just discussing the weather or a new recipe for brownies. 'I don't think he's got a leg to stand on. There were four witnesses to his little speech so I am sure you'll get your fair share of the lottery money. What do you think Charlie?'

'He hasn't got a chance of getting away with it but..' Charlie is kneeling down feeling for a pulse, 'shouldn't we be getting help? He could be concussed or brain damaged.'

'Let's hope.' Layla reaches across for the half empty wine bottle and takes long swig. 'Solve a lot of problems for me.' She belches softly wiping her mouth with the back of her hand. 'He's written a will and the insurance is up to date – unless that's something else the fecker cancelled along with our marriage!'

'Now now! That's not very nice.' Brutus is peering over my shoulder, checking to make sure there is no blood. 'I'll just go and get the nurse. I'm sure she'll be able to bring him back to life.'

Brutus slopes off to revive Pippa when the doorbell goes and goes and goes and goes. Someone has super glued the button into its socket!

'What the bleeding helling frigging fuck is happening tonight. Who is that now? So much for my dinner party! It isn't always like this you know Charlie. Tonight is very unusual.'

Without thinking, I wrench the door open and...

'Oh God! Anneliese! What the frig are you doing here?'

Anneliese curls her lip as if I have just passed a noxious fart and shoves me out of the way.

'Where's Derek? He's been up here for ages and I'm getting cold sitting in....' Anneliese stops dead. 'Layla? Charlie? What's going on here...where's....Oh.... Derek! Darling...'

Anneliese is now dragging her cashmere coat over our dog-hair encrusted shag pile as she cradles Derek's head in her lap and, like a lot of casualties with severe injuries coming out of a coma, he pukes beautifully all over her Stella McCartney co-ordinates.

Pippa appears, her uniform creased and un-poppered but looking better for forty winks (she's a nurse so she's used to snatching sleep and doing weirdo shifts) and kneels over Derek expertly feeling for a pulse. He's making groaning noises now and his eyes are spiralling round in their sockets trying to work out whether he is really in a nightmare or whether it would be preferable to go back into the bliss of unconsciousness.

'Take him to the Accident and Emergency in case he's got concussion but he'll be fine.' Pippa brushes her palms together.

'I'll take him!' Layla snaps. 'I'm not letting that bastard out of my sight until he's handed over my money!'

'You can't Layla! You've had far too much to drink.' Charlie is looking aghast.

'I'll take him. I've not had anything to drink.' Anneliese's voice slides through gritted teeth. She hasn't been filled in on the details but she's got the gist of events.

'Well I'm coming too. I'm not letting you two out of my sight!' Layla's skin is reddening and her voice is going up an octave. 'Once he's handed over my money, I won't want to see him again – or you, you two faced Botoxed up bitch - but until then, I'm sticking to him like a limpet mine!'

'I think Anneliese needs to drive,' Charlie ever the voice of sense adds calmly, 'but you do need to know that your game is up. Derek confessed everything tonight so we know that he has the lottery money which, rightly, belongs to Layla. I suggest that you sit down and discuss what to do as rationally as possible and sort it out fairly – otherwise,' he pauses and looks from Derek to Anneliese, 'otherwise I will have to report this deception to the police.... particularly as you have unfairly involved a valued member of my staff.'

Oh Charlie! I am going to swoon. My hero. My Mr Darcy! How beautifully you have made your case for me. I'm so overwhelmed with joy and love and bliss, I make the ultimate sacrifice.

'I'll go along as well. I've been caught up in this nasty little ruse too. Just to make sure there is fair play. I dont want Anneliese and Layla at each other's throats when Derek's being checked out- I think they need someone to arbitrate this case anyway.'

'Wow! Camilla! That is so thoughtful of you.' Charlie takes my elbow and squeezes the joint gently, pressing an electric supply which jolts my entire body in a glorious spasm of ecstasy. Brownie points are dropping on me like hailstones. 'I'll help clear up here and get moving. Come on, let's get the patient up.'

Anneliese struggles to her feet and she and Charlie haul a sour milk scented Derek to a pair of rather shaky feet. She glares at me with all the love a pit viper would show towards a desert rat.

'I'd rather you didn't come along. I can manage to be civil without your meddling.'

Layla pushes her face right into Anneliese's and prods her chest with a chewed index finger.

'She's coming! Not negotiable!'

Ah! Layla.

My new best friend.

As Charlie closes the door of Anneliese's Saab convertible, he puts his face up to back window to make a little finger fluttering wave and, as we drive towards the hospital the air is full of singing, hearts and rose petals dropping from heaven.