Studs and Stilettos

Lesson 16 - beware of plumbers in pink

I made a decision last week to be extra specially good this week: no drinking, no late nights, no being rude to people, to mark all my books and swot up the complicated topics that I need to teach to the big boys. It's now Friday lunchtime and I have managed to behave impeccably, keep a low profile and at least give the impression that I am a serious, dedicated teacher who really deserves to remain on the staff of this prestigious school, then, if Brutus's cunning plan doesn't work out, there may be one or two people who will have recognised my potential and speak up for me. Of course, I would prefer them to blockade the school and have an all-out strike until I am reinstated (with a pay rise) but that would be a bit of an overreaction.

I'm feeling a little jittery because today is the day. The make or break. The day when I will know that further pay cheques could be a possibility – or find that I am obliged to pack up a small cardboard box with my personal mug, tea bags, coffee filters, cup-a-soup packets, grubby off-white butcher's cum laboratory coat, brown lipstick and never darken the door of a school again.

Brutus and I cooked this up last week and today is perfect because it's the final of the Daily Explorer Rugby cup which is being held in Twickenham. The boys have been given a halfish day off and there are coaches organised to take supporters, parents, teachers and anyone else who is passionate about the game up to the grounds. Of course, all the emos, goths, geeks, freaks and musicians who can't stand sport and get their mothers to write a note to the PE Department for the slightest change in temperature, raindrip, skin blemish or snuffle will be enjoying some free time and will bugger off home or up to Central or into MacDonalds.

Mr McCloudy has said prayers every day in assembly (and I have been there every single morning to confirm this faith in the Almighty's possible intercession in the outcome) for the team. No doubt in the privacy of his study the Head has been conducting magic spells with the witchy Doris so that plague and pestilence will fall upon the opposition.

The Chemistry prep room is almost empty – apart from Bill and Brian who are dressing for extreme weather in the spectator stands. Bill has a hacking cough – or swine flu – but has insisted upon coming into work just so that he can skive off to the match. The phlegmy rattle every ten seconds is enough to make me vomit onto the pile of exercise books that I am meticulously ticking... the more red comments the better I feel in my effort to look like a keen-o. I keep glancing at the clock. It's almost two o'clock. The coaches are leaving in fifteen minutes and I have tentatively reserved a place on one of them – me being a rugby fiend and all that – with old Moonie and Beetie who I have decided are alright. Charlie went off with the team in the school minibus this morning and Anneliese is probably pinning up Murdo's pleats, knowing that today is the day she will get her package.... if she's lucky.

'Aren't you getting ready Camilla?' asks Bill between spluttering gobs of phlegm, 'you don't want to be missing the coach. Might not be another opportunity for the school again for many a year.'

'Actually Bill, I just want to finish this bit of marking. If I miss the coach I can follow on in a little while in my car or take the tube. I know the team are going to win and I'll be celebrating all week-end so I can't come into school on Monday to find all this work unmarked. The boys have expectations of their teachers and I cannot let them down.'

Bill nods approvingly and hacks into his handkerchief so loudly that they don't hear the tap on the prep room door. I do. I've been waiting for it.

Damn! I want them to open it.

There is another gentle double tap which I pick up but Brian is scraping his metal legged stool across the floor and tucking it under the big bench in the centre of the room.

Damn and blast.

'Oh!' I say loudly. 'There is someone at the door. I'd better see who it is. I hope I can get these books marked without too much disruption.'