Studs and Stilettos

Lesson 29 - flowers can conceal secret messages.

'I told her it would end in tears, but...no..she wouldn't listen to me. Doesn't' care. Fireworks in the eyes blinding her – and him! Do you remember what she was like with that simian son of a baboon, Mike? To be quite honest Camilla Gorilla, it's a lost cause. They are completely smitten with each other.'

I glare at Brutus through the bottom of my glass.

'Don't rub salt in my painful, open wounds. Some friend you are. What about all that guff that they are making a big mistake, they are totally not suited to each other and that Pippa has been a complete and utter bitch faced bitch?'

Brutus pulls his lips into a pucker and crosses his legs like a girl.

'Well, all that of course, but you know it already. I think we face facts. You have been pipped at the post by the Pippa pipsqueak and as you still owe her huge amounts of rent and a new pair of shoes, I think you will have to hope she is so blighted by love that she forgets to call in the debts until the novelty wears off.'

'I so hate you as well Brutus, you old fag hag gay bag! Wine and sympathy are not in your repertoire are they? If you were a proper girl, I'd get bucket loads of all the right platitudes – and chocolate! You are not doing a very good job as my comforter. No wonder I'm getting a drink problem.'

Brutus sips his sunset yellow and orange striped cocktail delicately leaving a half-mooned imprint of lip gloss.

'You know I'm right.'

'I know you're right but I don't want you to be.'

'Onwards and upwards Cammie. What about that website dating agency thingy?'

'Pah!'

'I'll take that as a negative response. Speed dating – I hear it's very popular.'

'Only with Pippa! That's the fastest pick-up I've ever seen. I can't have been out of the flat more than five seconds before she jumped him and dragged him into bed.'

'Now now. That's not true....' Brutus downs his cocktail and stands up. 'It was ten seconds actually.' He doesn't wait for me to throw a beer mat at him as he dashes to the bar. 'I'll get these,' he mouths from the safety of a crowd of some hunky St Euclids PE staff, worming his way in between two hench tracksuits and air checking out the muscle to fat ratio of the bulging thighs.

Brutus insisted we come here tonight. I didn't want to but I've promised to do my best to fix him up with Beetie and I owe him. He's still been my best friend after my worst best friend stole my man! I still can't believe it. And, what is worse, she doesn't realise she has broken my heart. Brutus assures me that neither of them know – knew- I had a mega, serious, gigantic, once in a lifetime crush on Charlie. Now my life pathway is a potholed track, the rose petal strewn motorway to true love is covered in manure, toxic waste, asbestos and big stomping muddy footprints. If Ralph Dobbs comes my way, I may seriously ask him for a date: just to see if I've still got some pulling power.

Dumped. I have been dumped! But, as I was never picked up...maybe I'm not dumped.

'Here you are dearie.' Brutus offloads a tray with a bottle of white, four packets of do-it-yourself heart attacks in the guise of low fat, high salt, crammed with e numbers crisps and a crème de menthe and blue Curacao cocktail with blue cherries in a metre high glass.

'I thought it would save a couple of trips to the bar. Cheers!'

'Thanks Brooo.' I refill my glass. 'Where are the happy couple tonight then?'

'Do we care Camilla? Do we?''

'No. You're right. Let's put it behind us.'

'Yes. We want someone else behind us – or at least I do. Here's hoping....what time did you hint we would be here?'