Studs and Stilettos

Lesson 1 - never go to an interview in borrowed shoes.

'Hi! I'm Camilla. Camilla Niccus, two C's one S.'

I air shake the invisible hand and collapse onto the kitchen chair clutching a handbag-sized magnifying mirror, mascara, brush, lip gloss and attempt to balance a freshly printed copy of my cv between my knees.

'So...why do I want the job?' I direct this question to the kitchen stool carefully placed opposite. 'Well....Oi! Brutus! Leave that alone!' I stab my eye with the mascara wand in a futile attempt to grab the now creased piece of paper.

Brutus swings expertly out of reach and starts spouting my most intimate details. Should I blacken my own eyes or his?

'Curriculum Vitae...' he reads.

Name: Camilla Portia Niccus.

'Portia! What sort of name is that?'

Date of Birth: 28th July 1983

'Hmmm – aged 26. You're not looking too bad for an old crow.'

Education: Peasborough High School for Girls

GCSEs: 6 mediocre grades

A levels: Chemistry C, Geography E, French E

University of Eastern England: BSc (2.3) in Applied Chemistry

Previous Employment: Purveyor of fine wines, Vinnies Wine Merchants

'Is this why you're always on the bottle?'

Hobbies: Yoga, Darts, Drinking, Foo Fighters Fan Club, Net dating.

Marital status: Unmarried, unengaged, single, not dating, , not going steady, not going out, definitely – very definitely unattached.

Monetary status: red alert.....'

Brutus makes a wailing police siren noise.

'...Blacklisted by all major banks and credit cards.'

'Gimme that now! It's private and confidential...besides, I never put those things on my cv and surely no-one will ask me anything that personal ...or will they?'

Brutus flicks the paper out of my reach and perches on the stool. He's wearing an almost obscenely skimpy baby blue nightshirt and slippers that look likes he's walking on a pair of dead bunnies.

'Just remember,' he crosses one leg quickly over the other, flashing a fruity arrangement of kiwis. 'The whole point of this job thingy is to get money to maintain the lifestyle you've never been able to afford and stop you being thrown into jail for bankruptcy.

Let's think about something that you might be asked at the interview like... do you get on well with young people? What is your teaching philosophy? Where do you see yourself in ten years from now? What makes you think you can teach without any previous experience? Why the hell do you want to teach? Personally I can't understand it – except I quite like the idea of being surrounded by all those....men.' Brutus sucks saliva through his teeth like Hannibal Lecter

'OK, OK, thanks for trying to help but what makes you think you know any more than me about a teacher's interview my little rectal thermometer?'

'Let me tell you something Camilla my dear. If I were a red blooded, fizzing- over- with- excess- testosterone old codger who was sitting opposite you in this exact position, doing this interview, you would be absolutely, one hundred percent, sure as Elvis is King, guaranteed to get that job! Trust me!'

He leans forward and does his 'rabbit in the headlights' no- blinking- stare.

'Really? You think?' Suddenly I'm feeling quite buoyant and positive. 'Why?'