multi faced // kim seokjin //

face 6

"hyung, we're leaving."

seokjin smiled ove his shoulder towards the younger. "be careful and don't stay out too late, okay?"

the younger smiled, his signature, playful grin planted on his face. "don't worry too much hyung~ good bye!"

seokjin chuckled as the door closes, the dorm now going silent as the blurry chatters of his band mates gradually grew farther, soon enough no longer heard.

sighing, seokjin looked around, hands on his hips as he observed the living room.

he was used to keeping the dorm to himself, nowadays.

the rest were outgoing. well, if you count the continuous late night trips to the studio and sleepovers in the practice room then yes, they were very outgoing.

on the other hand, seokjin preferred staying alone. shocking to know but it's true.

he felt awkward when his youngers were fooling around. at some point, he felt like he wasn't involved in the fun. he was involved, but there were always times when he would just completely shut down, not knowing why. shut down and not enjoy, not have fun. the others would continue and believe he was still with them, not knowing he was no longer in the mood.

he usually just goes with the flow, enjoying himself, even acting more immature than the maknae just to feel involved and actually have fun. unlike what they knew, he tries his best during those times and actually make the effort to be included in the fun. in fact, too much effort than someone would do.

ah that's right, effort didn't matter. it never mattered.

he loved playing with the others, don't get him wrong. he just didn't have fun most of the time. he wanted to. he knew he had to have fun. but why was having fun just so tiring? did it really require such efforts?

he then recalled his conversation with namjoon. way back then, just a few weeks ago.

seokjin chuckled from the memory. the sudden and unexpected question from the younger just made seokjin doubt if the taller really had a high iq.

but he knew what the younger meant. he has been aware of how he acted. how he started to change.

yes, he was aware, yet that doesn't mean he understood it. if the others were confused of his recent behavior, what more for him? he didn't understand a single bit of it.

why one night he'd be smiling, joking, goofing around and the next not have any energy to move a finger.

not only was it affecting how he acted around people and him as a person, but it also caused him to stay unfocused. delaying his improving of skills, slowly falling behind from the others. he was not improving.

it caused him to grow anxious and almost barely functioning at all. the idea of pulling the group behind because of issues that he never understood just wasn't something he wanted to happen or even think about.

that thought only made him worst.

he considered talking to a psychiatrist, not knowing what to do about it.

but he reconsidered thinking it was a stupid idea. not only will he waste someone else's time but cause suspicion as well.

so he doesn't go. instead he continues living day by day, waiting for something to happen. maybe magically let him understand what was wrong.

the fact that what seemed to be different personas were replacing him from hour to hour just made him tired mentally, knowing it bothered him and his members.

he can't even call it being moody. it was more than that. bipolarity was a different story and he didn't want to talk about it, not wanting to assume further and just end up being paranoid.

it was like several people in him, replacing his true self with different masks whenever they wanted. whether something triggered it or if they just felt like it. and it bothered seokjin so much, he was frustrated with himself. why was he like this?

a time also came when he actually considered namjoon's question. what if he was a really a girl, going through those struggles. it would have made sense if he was really a girl.

silly, right?

"can't really blame me..." seokjin muttered under his breath, well aware he was alone and talking to no one in particular. he found himself sitting on the chair behind the kitchen counter, eyeinh the landscape of their huge living room.

licking his dry lips, he stepped down and went towards the fridge. he needed to take his mind off these things. he was too drained.

grabbing a carton of fresh milk, he set it on the counter, moving towards the shelves, closing the fridge behind him.

leaning towards the cabinets, he reached and opened one, grabbing hold of another box, a box of cereal. what brand it was, he didn't care.

going back to his chair he opened the cereal box, fishing out a handful of what looked like tiny donuts. picking the treats one by one, chewing slowly, taking his time, he stared at nothing.

opening the milk box with his left hand that was free, he brought the hole to his lips, taking sip after sip.

he was taking his time now, careful to not let his mind wonder around, focusing on how he would place one treat at a time, sipping from the milk every time he swallowed one.

he didn't care if the milk went wrong. his first intention was to finish it any way.

he was nearing satisfactory level when his stomach dropped. who knew his mind can actually cause him rush to the toilet and throw up whatever he consumed.

his head was spinning, his vision blurry as his stomach went nearly empty. the only thing clear as day were the typhoon of thoughts runnign through his mind, his eyes watering a bit.

perhaps a set of falling dominoes is the best analogy to describe what was happening to his life. one falls, it'll hit the other and cause it to fall, and it goes on and on. the idea made him groan and more sick.

just the thoughts of it made seokjin want to lay down and just crumble. maybe vomit a few times from how much thoughts were spinning in his head.

explains why he was hugging the toilet at the moment.

seokjin sighed after rinsing his mouth and washing his face. he didn't want to think about it anymore. he tried to distract himself and it didn't work. but he had to try now that he can. not now that he had time for himself. time to just go back to normal jin.

seokjin turned away, walking towards his bedroom.

he closed his door behind him, contemplating whether to lock it or not. he felt like locking it but he didn't want to worry the others when they went to call him. but he wanted to keep the peace fpr as long as he wanted as well.

well fuck it.

pressing the button to lock the door, he walked towards the bed, setting himself down slowly. falling deeper down the mattress, he sighed, pulling the blanket to his neck. he snuggled up to his cold pillow, stretching to get more of the cold bed. his room heater wasn't on but he didn't complain. in fact it became more comfortable.

he managed a content smile before closing his eyes.

let's push the seokjin right now away, whoever that was, and just lay down and become jin. the real jin. atleast for once, give him time to be the person he wants to be.

what about tomorrow, you say.

let's wait for tomorrow.