One Breath (OffGun)

14. Beam

Neil's POV

You’re so close and merely a breath away
Yet our time together are spent only as friends
But its beyond my control

I always wonder how you feel deep inside
I love you so much, but I’ve never told you so
I keep secret what is inside my heart
I am just grateful to being this happy

Do you even feel the same?
Have you ever noticed me?
What is this thing going on between us?

Do you have feelings for me?
It’s something that I would like to know
It lingers in my heart, but I don’t wanna ask
I’m afraid you’ll change

I’m better off not inquiring
Because I know if I were to ask
I’m afraid your words might break my heart

I keep repeating this song without I realized. I lost in mind, about someone better I know to shut my mouth, like say in this song.

I sit here, dunno for how long. The beauty of the scenery in front of me never fail to amaze me and calm my anxiety.

It's been a year since my last time here. Yeah... A year. I wanna know something but I'm too afraid to ask. I'm afraid that my question will ruin everything and make me loose a chance to be with him.

Until I find something.
Something which makes me understand until the deepest of my heart. That I never have a chance to reach my dream. A dream which I keep for years.

If.... I never saw him in the forest years ago
If... He never be that kind to wrapped my wound
If... He never carried me on his back

Most of all

If I never went there at all, I won't loose this thing

Flashback

"Neil, are you okay?"

"I'm okay, Ara. Just don't look for ne. And don't tell anyone. Will you?"

"………… okay.. Don't do something stupid. I won't cry for shit like you. My tears are expensive, you know."

"I'll sent you some mascara and liner then. Don't worry."

"Bye."

Ara hang the phone. But I'm sure that she laugh over there. I still need buy her that makeup, as a pay for his treath to me. Well....

Then I turn off my phone, drive my car again to the mountain, where I always go to escape myself from the world.

I park my car near the big tent near the lake. Yes, this is a camping ground where I most like to go when I need time to calm myself. And this is one of some private spot way up here. But very save and comfortable, even at night. And this is my favourite spot of all.

After I put my luggage and food in tent, I take my camera, and walk to somewhere. I just want to enjoy the fresh air for a while before I take some rest.

I walk into the forest. Then I find some place with a lot of pine trees. Plus sunlight and thin fog, this place is so beautiful. I prepare my camera, and take some picture of it.

After shoot some picture, I see someone way behind the fog. He stand on the place in the middle of the trees. And out of the blue, my feet start to walk to that person. Even I don't think, why should I come closer to him.

But, that person gone when I arrive near that board. I search him around that spot, but I don't see him.
Well... Since this place is my favourite too, I choose to sit here tho. This place, dunno how, it's calming me more today. Something feels different here. Unexplainable comfort feeling.

I don't for how long I sit here silently, until I hear someone's voice near me, down there.

"Hey, Nong."

I look around, and see a pair of eyes stare at me. The distance between me and him quiet far. But, I can see his eyes amaze me. I feel that orbs suck my breath and took my soul away.

I gasp for a moment. Even I don't realize that I hold my breath until I release my sigh and inhale deeply.

"May I join you there? I just get down to get some meals and beverage in my tent, over there."

I follow his finger. Then I feel that my heart suddenly stop beating and my lung stop breathing. I can't take my breath, even the single one.

The place he's pointing now, is the tent right besides me. The place where no one else ever stay other than me myself.

And I don't see that green small tent when I get there.
I'm questioning to myself, for how long this person will stay here?

"Nong?"
His voice closer to me.

I shake my head, and back to my sanity.
"Err."

He smile and climb up to my place. I help him with take his belonging with me, so he can climb freely.

"Thanks."
He stand in front of me, while I sit back to my spot. I give a lil' smile as my reply.

He take a deep breath of the fresh air, and stretch out his hand.
"Mark."

"Neil," I give my hand.

Flashback end

I should never look that eyes.
I should never hear that voice.
I should never take that hand.
I should never say my name.
I should never stay up there.
I should never

Come here.............

But it's too late now.
Like the song said. It's beyond my control. I keep this secret deep inside my heart for long time. And now he's just a breath away. But it feels that he's too far in the same times.

Does he ever noticed me? That’s something that I would like to know. That lingers in my heart more lately. And even more after something I saw that time. I think I’m better off not inquiring, because I know if I were to ask I’m afraid that his words might turn everything down.

But, I must make everything clear. I'm tired with all this shit. I still can hold this pain. It's torturing me, but I still can handle it. I still can walk in this misery. Yes, I can. I'm just tired. I'm really tired. Especially when that "Fang" thing involve there.

I wanna know. I really wanna know. But I can't speak a word.
Until I don't know is this because I'm too afraid of the answer. Or, because I'm to coward to ask.

Now, I just can close my eyes, and let the wind wipe my tears which fall down to my checks without I know it.
I hope........