One Breath (OffGun)

17. Anger

Mark's POV

This is the very first time I see this dominant side of Neil. The side which I never ever see for years I know him.

I see his back when he sit outside the tent, look adorable in his jumper, and... What?

Smoke?

I really can't believe everything I see start from I opened my eyes this morning until now. I wear my clothes which took off by Neil before, and sit besides him.

I stare at him quietly, and don't realize that I hold my breath, before I call his name.

"Neil..."

He doesn't answer me. Like his mind isn't in his body. He stare far away across the lake. He smoke in one deep breathe, and release it slowly in small blow.

It's really weird for me. Totally weird. I never never ever see this Neil. He hardens his face. That jawline mesmerized me. His eyes sharp but I can see big sorrow there.

Do he punish me right now? I still can't believe what he did to me just now. He just left me in the middle of our... Yeah... You know.... And still doesn't give me a word from my question and apologized.
He suddenly called off everything when I told him that I almost release myself with smirk coldly.

Who is he?

Is this what Ara means?
Did I really triggered something inside him?

More of it

Am I late?

She said that there's a lit deep down his heart, than can spark anytime and become a flame if it triggered by someone or something which remind him with his sorrow again.

Neil extinguish the cigarette after the last blow and sip his ..... Beer.... Then look at me...
He ask me with his sharp eyes.

Ah, he wear his earphone. That's why he didn't hear me.

"What?"

I gulp my own saliva. I can see anger and pain on his face. But I can't find Neil I know before.
In the end, I just can shake my head and throw my eyes across the lake.

Neil lies down on the grass. He closes his eyes and start to breath steadly and calmly.

"Neil, I'll buy some food and coffee over there. Do you need anything?" I ask close to his ear.

He just shake his head. I see his face, it changes. I start to see Neil I know. His face become soften. His eyes, his nose, and his lips, I see the soft feature I ever know there.

I feel his warm breath on my face, and it shutter my heart. I want to kiss him, but I feel something will gonna be wrong if I do that. I put my palm slowly on his cheek and cares with my thumb. He doesn't move or flintch even in a small movement, like he knew already what will I do to him.

"I'll be back."
Neil just nodded.

I feel something weird inside my heart. I don't what is that. But it kinda annoyed me. So, I get on my car and drive quickly to the food court down there, and back in hurry after I heard news from the staff.

"Neil, heavy rain will fall tonight and it will start soon. We must go down now. I book a room for us already. So, let's....."

Neil isn't here. Not inside the tent, not around that spot. I hear some music somewhere. I find his phone on the table made from dead tree. I put the earphone and try to listen the song after I find a song play repeatedly on screen.

And I'm freeze. My heart beat faster heard that song.
Please, don't.... Please.... Neil, please don't....
Fear crawl into my heart and make my eyes hot..

I've become so numb, I can't feel you there
Become so tired, so much more aware
By becoming this all I want to do
Is be more like me and be less like you

He's really mad at me. I'm too fool to realize where's my heart belong. I'm too fool to know his love to me for whole time.

Once again, the lyric slap me when I hear it again and again.

Is it true? Is it the reason why I see cold in his eyes when he above me this morning? Is it the reason that he become emotionless when I touch his cheek before I left him?

Raindrop start to fall. But the sky still clear and bright. And I remember something.

Rainfox?

I turn off the song, insert Neil's phone into my pocket and my phone in other pocket, take my sweater in tent, then I see yellow jumper on the blanket.

Where is he? Without his phone? Without wear jumper. And rain start to fall. Where is he?

I start to run, search here and there. I run until along the edge of the lake. I run to every place down there and back. I run to every camping ground, but still can't find him.

"NEIL!!" I start to scream his name. This fear start to take over my head. The fear of loosing him start to take my nerves.

I keep run and scream his name under the rain, until I find some way which somehow I ever saw before.
I see dark cloud begin thick. Even it still noon, the rainfox start become heavy rain.

"NEIL!!"

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Neil's POV

Honesly, I don't how I can manage myself to did what I did just now. It began when he lift me and made me on top of him.

No... It start when he ask forgiveness and stole my kiss.

And I felt he's surrender to me.
His kiss full with his love, I guess, smooth, and passionately.
But,
That kiss reminds me to what I saw and what I heard here few months ago. And after I decided to give up last night, and when he kissed me, I can't feel that I'm became numb.
Numb to his presence, numb to his care, numb to his feeling, numb to his words, numb to his touch, numb to his everything.
All I can feel just anger, lost, loneliness, and hurt.

Yeah, his touch and kiss this morning made me turned on. I can't deny that. But just that. I'm human. For a second I feel that my body gave up to him. Just for a second. And everything changed after he made me on top.

Here I am now. Sitting on my favourite place. I forget to bring my phone after I put it on the wood table to remove my jumper. It doesn't matter anyway, because I can sit here alone without his presence annoying me.

After some minutes, I feel burning sensation on my eyes. Why do tears come when I even don't want to cry? Why do I feel hurt in some part of my heart? Why do I feel so tired? How can he find me here? He drop everything and be here. Why?

And about what he said before he kissed me, did he mean it? Did he mean every word of it?

I lie my body and try to breath deeply the fresh air around me. I can smell the aroma of wet soil, wet grass, wet wood. In seconds, I feel water drop on my face. The sky is bright and clear.

I don't care anymore. I closed my eyes, and let the time past under the rain. I wish the rain can bring my pain down. I wish after this, he's gone and bring me back to reality, that I'm nothing to him, like this whole time. I hope that everything will be fine after this.

I hope ..... I hope ........

I open my arm widely, let the rain fall onto my body and my face, and slowly I feel serene.... And peace .......