I'm Sure You've Heard It All Before

mornings are for coffee and contemplation

On Monday morning, two days after I wrote my list about Franco, I'm at my breakfast nook in the kitchen eating honey nut cheerios and dissecting the weather app.

Okay, it's gonna be chilly in the morning with the sun coming in at noon and by the time school is over, it'll be warm. Awesome.

Warm weather to thaw my cold heart.

I cannot believe I even said that. See, okay, I always say that I don't want a boyfriend too soon but like, that's not completely true. I'm always reading books about people getting together and my own best friend is in a relationship and I'm at the side just wanting.

Wanting someone who thinks of me as the person.

Maybe the whole reason why I'm still single is because I'm just an undatable person who is just really fucking weird. Let's face it, I'm not the person that everyone votes for class president or shit like that. It's because there's nothing truly likable about me.

Sure, Aleeah will say otherwise, hell, if she was here, she'd write on my arm the things she likes about me with a sharpie.

But I don't know, I guess I never truly learned to like myself. And that's what really sucks because I hate being a stupid self-loathing loser.

I dump the milk that I didn't drink after eating my cheerios and I proceed to grab a mug from the cabinet. My mom has a whole drawer full of tea bags that she spends an unreasonable amount of money on. But when they came in my mom and I tried all of them and I chose a few that I liked.

When the tea is done, I pour it into a Star Wars mug that my dad owns. He's obsessed with Star Wars and watched little else when he was in college at Georgetown. He tells me all the time to watch them with him in the theatre room and I do, but when we're done I never have the heart to tell him I slept through the whole thing.

My parents are busy, busy people and I know they care about my well-being. We hang out sometimes, clearly. I just think they stopped paying attention to me when they realized I was old enough to drive a car.

Not that I have a car, but I wish I did.

There's knocking on the front door and I grab everything I need before school. The knocking continues and I grab my tea and rush over to door without trying to spill the tea and burn my hands.

I open the door and Aleeah is standing there with a blue mug in her hands.

"Hey!" We both say at the same times, pointing at our mugs.

"I think you and I have the same brain, don't 'ya think?" Aleeah says.

"Oh, yeah definitely," I say, smiling.

I step outside and lock my front door. Then we start walking.

Rarely ever does Aleeah come to pick me up and go with me on the subway. She likes to sleep in a bit and just barely get to school on time. Or you know, she'll get a facial before school at this expensive salon that I've never even heard of or she shops at the Sephora near our school. One time she showed up with a huge bag full of products and she showed me her receipt that literally made my mouth drop.

See, Aleeah is a lot more... how do I say this? Appreciative of her money. Her parents put so much spending money on her credit card and she goes a bit overboard with the spending.
She doesn't really ever understand how to save up or anything like that which is scary because Aleeah is a super smart girl but I don't know, I feel like she is not learning the value of a penny like my parents have taught me. My parents don't give me spending money that often, but that's only because I don't ask for it. I don't want to hold up to the stereotype that all rich kids who have no siblings are spoiled.

Because I'm not.

Aleeah sort of is but she makes up for it with her niceness.

Oh, well.

Wait. Wow. Okay, yeah, I'm a shit head. What the fuck is wrong with me that I have to talk about my best fucking friend like that.

You suck, Robin, I tell myself.

"You okay, bud?" Aleeah nudged me a bit with her elbow. We're almost at the subway station.

I nod and smile. She smiles back.

I don't deserve her. I really fucking don't.
We're on the subway for five minutes until the next stop. I think this is where Franco gets on.
And he walks in with his AirPods in his ears.

But he doesn't see Aleeah or me.

Aleeah waved frantically at him to get his attention and he finally looks up and sees both of us. He waves and smiles and walks over to the both of us.

"Good morning, guys."

"Good morning, gorgeous-hair," Aleeah says.
He laughs and sits next to me.

Even though I don't like him anymore, my heart is still racing because wow, he looks really pretty today. His hair is so nice and he smells fucking awesome. I need to ask him what cologne he uses.

I think one of the reasons I told myself to stop liking him was because he is definitely straight. But I also think another reason is that I'm just really, very unlikeable. There's nothing
flattering or charming about me. And I don't really deserve to be liked. So Franco probably doesn't even think I'm all that great and probably just wants to be around Aleeah or he is just that nice that he's gonna pretend to be our friend until we forget about him.

It's sad, really, that I let myself get like this. My head never lets me catch a break. I feel sad a lot now.

Franco nudges me with his leg. Then, he smiles at me. He sort of has to look down into my eyes because he's slightly taller than me.
But that smile makes me feel good and it's so good that I'm not even that sad when my tea mug is empty.

This day will probably suck like always.

Maybe.