Deeper Than the Knife

Chapter 14- STOP SENDING US TO COLD PLACE!

At least this apartment was bigger than the one in Brazil. That was one upside compared to the long list of downsides. And I mean a literally list, I made one:

1, we had neighbors who liked to party all freaking night. 2, Canada was freezing. 3, Alejandro was on the floor above us and kept knocking on our door to see Yarah. We only allowed him the mandatory two hours a day. 4, Yarah starts school today-we've been here two days already-and I didn't want to be alone with Yukino. Why? Well that's at number five. 5, no matter what I do, Yukino always blows me off. I tried to hold her hand, she moved her hands away. A kiss? Nope, she walks away. We sleep in the same bed, but there's a large space between us. Forget trying to talk to her about it, she always changes the subject or walks away. 

This is what has lead me to lay face first on the kitchen table, which was located in between the living room and kitchen. The kitchen was to the right of the entrance way, the living room was to the left. Right across from the table I was currently sulking on, was a small hallway with three doors-the bathroom, mine and Yukino's bedroom, and Yarah's bedroom. 

It was like 5AM, my bed felt too big and cold. So I left. I hadn't bothered to turn on any of the lights, I'll suffer in self pity in the dark, alone. No wife, a sleeping child, and no parents. Due to Alejandro stubbornly staying alive, Yarah has been asking about our families. She wanted to meet her grandparents. Yukino's mom is dead, my dad is dead, Yukino's dad is probably dead or in India, and my mom...Yarah can never meet her. 

I always wanted my mother's approval, I wanted her to be proud of me. I wanted that so badly, that I put myself through painful training to be everything my mother wanted to be. I changed who I was for her, and I was fucking suffocating. I just didn't realize it. I never want my daughter to feel that way, I will always be proud of her no matter what. And, if by some twist of fate, I become head-I will never order a death sentence to my own child. 

Apparently, I'd been laying face-first on the table for like 3 hours. I know this because Yarah came over and turned on all the lights, and asked me if I was still alive. I wanted to say no. I said yes instead.

"Why are you face-first on the kitchen table?" She asked.

"Compilating my marital decisions." I said. 

"What does that mean?"

". . .Did you want breakfast, Yarah?" Change the subject, always change the subject. Best way to avoid things. 

"Mommy said she'll make pancakes." Yarah said as she sat in the chair next to me.

"Where is Yukino?" I should probably lift my head off the table, shouldn't I?

"She's taking a shower." 

So, my face is red from the thought of Yukino in the shower. so I'm definitely not going to lift my head. That would be a bad idea. A very bad one.

"Mama?"

"Hm?"

"How come you and mommy are barely speaking to each other?"

I lifted my head-GAH, THE LIGHT!-I looked at Yarah, her hair was a complete mess, and her yukata was all wrinkled. Now I gotta iron that. Great. Cause ironing is so much fun. 

"It's complicated sweetie." I didn't exactly have an answer for her. I didn't even know why Yukino was acting like this. I blame Alejandro.  

"But why is it complicated?" Yarah asked.

"I don't know." Wish I did, really did. But I got nothing, and Yukino says no lying, so. 

"Then while I'm at school, you and mommy have to talk." Yarah declared. Guess I have to now.