In Dreams, We Find Our Rhymes

"Just Another Unsent Letter"

To the leading man of my unfinished story,

Do you still remember when we used to look up at the clouds when we were still young? If you'd say you could see a dragon, I'd say that I could see the same shape. I'm sorry, but the truth is I really did not. I just pretended because I knew how much it made you happy knowing that we were able to find or imagine the same things, so I did my best to be just like you.

However, pretending started to become too hard to bear. I chose to change, or rather, to show my true self. Perhaps, because I trusted us too much.

I thought that the time we spent together could serve as our bridge that would still let us meet despite our differences. I thought that those memories were enough. I thought that we were strong enough.

I've been so selfish. I was so blinded by my love that I only tried to attain what I wanted us to become. I was too confident that we would be what I believed we were meant to become.

I've been so insensitive. I forgot to ask you what made you stay with me. If I had only tried to listen to those words that your eyes were shouting, I could've saved us. We could've saved us.

I've been so stupid. I held your hands for those months when we were both still trying and never even dared to analyze why I was able to feel that coldness that I felt.

I'm sorry if I made you sad. I'm sorry if I gave you reasons to frown more than reasons to smile. I'm sorry if I could not make you laugh anymore. I'm sorry if I've failed as the leading lady in the romantic story that we tried to write.

Somehow, there's something within me that felt relieved that I let you go. I would never want to read misery in your eyes ever again.

Years have already passed since I stopped calling you mine, but when I see your face in the pictures or anywhere, it still aches. I think the pain will always remain. The longing will always be here.

So please stop looking at me as if you pity me or you want me to totally erase you from my mind. I can never do that because no matter how may years or decades have passed, whenever I see you, I will always be reminded of that boy who always got fascinated by the dragon-shaped clouds in the sky- that boy I've fallen in love with.

- Jan Di